


Who Needs Shades When I Have You, Baby

by urgaylol



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Bad references, Debauchery, Fluff, I just did that so there wasn't a big age gap, M/M, Memes, Smut, TA karkat who somehow ended up teaching dispite barely being an adult yay america, Terrible Jokes, Trans dirk, a few jabs at the 2016 republican presidential canidates, dave in heelys, dirk's only in it for like two seconds but i made him trans cause why the fuck not, humans and trolls living together in semi-harmony, just an overall terrible sense of humor, sarcasm and snark, there's sex at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 10:39:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6235369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urgaylol/pseuds/urgaylol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you are too tired and waaay too underpaid to deal with a shades-wearing fuckface who thinks it's funny to hand in eight pages of funk propaganda in place of a political sciences essay.</p><p>You totally didn't laugh once.</p><p> </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The One Where Stuff Happends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own Homestuck.

            Your name is Karkat Vantas and you’re pissed off.

            Well, your name is Karkat Vantas and you’re always pissed off, but right know you’re feeling something less akin to the moderate irritation you usually experience. This is more something more like slightly-more-than-moderate irritation. Actually, since this was a somewhat new scenario for you, you’re feeling slightly more than slightly-more-than moderately pissed off. You may have had a slight fear of change, but that is one hundred percent not important right now.

            Your name is Karkat Vantas and you’re slightly more than slightly-more-than-moderately pissed off. This is because you just read something that made you laugh.

            You’re an college English teacher. More accurately, you’re a TA for a teacher who is so old that you’re only about ninety percent sure he’s still alive, so you end up doing most of the teaching in the class. You’re probably too young to be an actual teacher. The students seem to like you (you have no idea why) and to some extent, you like them. You have a good class, most of your students are good listeners, and you even have a few promising students that you almost felt satisfaction for considering the improvements they’ve made with your advice.

            However, not once, during your entire two years of working there, have you ever read something written by a student that made you laugh. You’ve never even read anything written by just about anyone that made you laugh.

            The culprit was some human kid who didn’t even bother to show up the first day, or even not bullshit any of the smaller assignments he’d turned in. Not that this paper you were currently angry about wasn’t some form of bullshit. The assignment was to explore the juxtaposition between two systems of government. Most people had given you some anarchy vs. capitalism crap, but this single fucker had decided to turn in his communism vs. socialism paper that compared funk music to Carl Marx and pop music to Lenin and Trotsky. You reread the last passage that you had giggled at.

 

_Communism seems like a perfect system. It looks plenty rad on paper, and seems to have the parts needed to benefit society and stuff. But it never works. Look at the two fathers of communism (Lenin and Trotsky) and compare what they stood for to modern pop music. On the outside, pop music is catchy. It’s one of the more automatically enjoyable forms of music. It even chemically sets off more dopamine in your brain than other forms of music (probably but who cares about science). However, the feeling of euphoria quickly passes after you listen a few times, and you end up seeing pop music for what it really is; often overly synthesized and/or auto-tuned, less based of improvisational themes, and just not as interesting. Sure there are good pop songs, but they just aren’t enough for it to be more than a mediocre genre of music, shadowed by Jazz, Rock, Hip-hop, Funk, ect._

_However, look at Carl Marx and socialism (and funk music). Although at first glance, socialism might just seem like communism (not that people mistake funk music for modern pop, that would be sad, this isn’t a perfect analogy because those don’t exist), socialism is simply a bit more complicated. Take funk music. Chemically, funk music doesn’t give you the immediate euphoria that pop music might, but you can listen to it longer without your brain getting used to the sensation. It’s mathematically more interesting, with more intricate rhythms, beats, and derived from better genres of music than pop was (arguably though, as these facts are forty percent made up). It may be lost on modern America but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t give it a chance. I told you I could do it John._

_Joseph Stalin was country music ’cause he suuuuuucked._

            Before you can stop yourself, you lose yourself again, giggling like a maniac. You quickly stop yourself as a wave of rage passes over you. You toss the papers down on your desk and angrily wonder why some stupid shades wearing idiot just wrote you four pages of funk music propaganda. You briefly consider how some guy dumb enough to turn in the words “Joseph Stalin was country music cause he suuuuuucked” knew anything about the chemical reactions your brain went through while listening to music. Maybe he was just making it up. You decide to do some research. You take out your phone and pester your smarty-pants roommate.

CG: HEY, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BRAIN CHEMISTRY AND MUSIC?

TA: siince when diid you ever trust anythiing ii have say about mu2iic

CG: JUST READ THIS AND TELL ME IF IT’S AS DUMB AS I THINK IT IS.

CG: ASSFACE PAPER FROM HELL .pdf 

TA: you were riight about iit beiing 2tuiip.

TA: ii mean thii2 ii2 probably the wor2t comparii2on iive ever seen thii2 per2on ju2t wanted to complaiin about the corrupt mu2iic iindu2try or 2omethiing.

TA: ii mean theiir 2ciience ii2 all puriily theoretiical.

TA: iim pretty 2ure theyre riight though.

TA: at lea2t ii thiink 2o iim not a p2ychologii2t.

CG: YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

TA: who the fuck ii2 john?

TA: you know what, nevermiind.

TA: when are you gettiing home?

CG: WHAT THE FUCK YOU’VE NEVER ASKED ME ONCE WHEN I WAS GETTING HOME.

CG: NOT ONCE IN THREE YEARS. I’M CRYING. TEARS ARE STREAMING DOWN MY FACE AND I’M FUCKING CHOKING AT THE AMOUNT OF WARMTH YOU CONVAY AS A LIVING BEING WITH FEELINGS.

TA: 2o when are you gettiiing home?

CG: AFTER I TEACH THIS CLASS CONTAINING 19 PERFECTLY NORMAL STUDENTS AND ONE ASSHOLE WHO NEVER TAKES OF HIS SUNGLASSES AND THEN SENDS ME SOME ASSFACE PAPER FROM HELL.

TA: doe2 he wear a lot of red?

CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

TA: ii know that guy. he2 cool. ha2 a decent taste iin mu2iic. he wore heely2 to his father2 funeral.

CG: WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ABOUT THE INSENSITVE HOBBIES OF SOME JUVENILE?

TA: nah iit wa2 de2erved. anyway ii gotta go have fun wiith your cla22.

Your class is starting in about fifteen minutes. You briefly wonder if it’s sloppy to be grading papers fifteen minutes before class starts but then you remember that it isn’t even your job in the first place and the only payment you get is the food you swipe from the teachers’ lounge.

 

* * *

 

            Your class is finally over. You talked about some political shit, went on a rant about said political shit, and gave constructive criticism to what your students had written in their papers about political shit. Dave had showed up five minutes late, giving you a “sup” as he walked by your desk.

            He’s one his way out the door when you prepare your revenge. You wait until he’s almost out the door, giving him time to think he doesn’t have to deal with anymore teacher crap. You finally call him over.

            “Mr. Strider, could I talk to you for a moment?” you say. You feel professional. Time to abuse your power.

            He walks to your desk, pulls up a chair in front of it, and takes a seat. He does the incredibly juvenile “sitting on the chair backwards” thing that makes you want to whack him in the head with a rolled-up newspaper. He doesn’t even bother to take his sunglasses off for this.

            “Strider.” you start “Why did you turn in four pages of funk propaganda for a political paper?” You speak as slowly as possible, in some an attempt to make him feel like a giant dumbass.

            “You never said we couldn’t.” he says.

            You rub your forehead. “Strider, I never said you couldn’t because I assumed nobody would have so much a lack of common sense as to write the atrocity that you handed in.”

            He looks slightly offended. “Atrocity? Please. It was well written. I though you would appreciate how linguistic it was.”

            “It doesn’t matter how many big words you used. You can’t just have the line ‘Joseph Stalin was country music because he suuuucked’ in anything!”

            He breaks his poker face for just a second to give a small smile. “Ok yea, that was pretty dumb.”

            You’re put off that he agreed with you. You were expecting some shit storm of debauchery.

            He runs his hand through his dumb platinum-blond hair. “Are you gonna fail me on this assignment?”

            “No.” you lean back slightly and resist the urge to prop your feet up on the desk “You wouldn’t learn anything from that.”

            “So what are you gonna do?”

            You have to think about this for a few moments. As fearsome as you liked to think you were, you didn’t really like to give out bad grades. It wasn’t even your job to grade things. You wonder what the most painful thing for him to write would be.

            “I want you to rewrite this. With a few extra rules.”

            “Bring it on, teach.”

            “No mentions of music, human pop-culture, troll pop-culture, or really anything that doesn’t have to do with political science. Also, no irony, sarcasm, or any attempt at humor.”

            “You really lay it on thick.” he says “But what am I supposed to be learning from this?”

            You hadn’t actually thought about that part. You give some rambling speech about respecting your elders.

            “Oh my god Karkat, you’ve told us that you’re ten and a half solar sweeps old.”

            “That’s in Alternian years.”

            “That would make you twenty-two.”

            You’re not sure how he knew that, there was really no need for anyone to understand an almost archaic system.

            “Don’t call me Karkat.”

            He opens his mouth.

            “If the next word out of your mouth is ‘Karkitten’ so help me god I will give you a detention in college and no I don’t care if that’s not a thing.”

            He closes his mouth.

            “That’s what I thought, Strider. Now get out of here before I change my mind about failing you.”

            He stands. “Ado, Vantas. I won’t let you down or whatever. Actually I’ll probably let you down. Bye.” And he’s off.

 

* * *

 

            You were done teaching for the day and walked through the door to your apartment. You grunt at your roommate.

            You would have asked him how his day was but he seemed incredibly focused on his laptop. You’ve learned that bothering Sollux when he is focused will make him cranky.

            You dump a six pack of ramen, a few bananas, and a box of donuts on a table. About ninety percent of what you two ate was swiped from the teachers’ lounge. There really wasn’t another way to live.

            “Damn it Sollux, teaching sucks.” You scrap your not-bothering-Sollux idea out the window.

            He flinches. “Well, I just died. Thanks for that.” He shuts his laptop.

            “Sollux, I really, really don’t care. Some of us have real problems. I’ve been slaving away all fucking day for some obnoxious college idiots who think they’re still in middle school.”

            “I thought you liked your students.”

          “Ok, one obnoxious idiot who still thinks he’s in middle school. Teaching is hard, Sollux, no one respects their teachers anymore. It’s like everybody just got up and decided one day that the people teaching our children don’t even deserve to be treated with basic human decency.”

            “You’re not even 11.”

            You sink into your pile of used notebooks and paper. “I’m not getting paid enough for this job.”

            “Karkat, you’re not getting paid at all.”

            You respond by sinking further into your pile and pulling out your own laptop.  You have a message from Kanaya telling you to remind Sollux to eat and some nonsensical messages from your…friend Gamzee.

TC: WhAt If We CoUlDn’T pIcK tHiNgS uP wItH oUr HaNdS?

TC: WhAt If, LiKe, We CoUlD JuSt ToUtCh ThInGs?

TC: AnD ThEy WoUlD jUsT bE aDdEd To SoMeKiNd Of MiRaClE sYsTeM.

TC: AnD wE cOuLd AcCeSs ThEm TrOuGh CaRdS.

TC: LiKe, We AlL hAd DiFfReNt WaYs OuR cArDs WhErE SeT oUt ThAt SoMeHoW rEpReSeNtEd OuR pErSoNaLiTiEs?

TC: WoUlDn’T tHaT bE mOtHeRfUcKiNg WiCkEd?

GC: GAMZEE, NO OFFENENCE BUT THAT’S LITERALLY THE MOST INANE IDEA I’VE EVER HEARD.

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVERMIND. FEEL FREE TO TAKE OFFENSE. IT MIGHT MAKE IT MORE LIKELY FOR YOU TO FUCKING LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE.

CG: BUT YOU PROBABLY WON’T TAKE OFFENSE BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO BE INCAPABLE OF DOING SO. SERIOUSLY, DOES ANYTHING EVER UPSET YOU?

TC: NoT rEaLlY. I’lL bE bAcK lAtEr, KaRbRo. I gOtTa WrItE tHiS MoThErFuCkInG sMoOtH aSs ShIt DoWn.

CG: WOW THANKS, YOU’VE MADE ME FEEL SO SPECIAL.

TC: LiViNg WiTh ThAt BeE MaN hAs MaDe YoU So SaRcAsTiC. DoN’T LoSe ThE rEaL yOu.

CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD GAMZEE GO AWAY.

TC: LaTeR. :o)

You sometimes feel like Gamzee could have been a good fantasy writer if he could stop the doing that extreme bullshit writing style he had.    

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: So at this point I realized that Gamzee only capitalizes the first letter of every sentence every other time. This fic is cancelled (not really). Also, I don’t follow the traditional Trollian format.


	2. The One With The Government Fanfiction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Let’s just say I had a fun writing Dave’s 2.0 version of the paper he turns in in this chapter.

            You had just finished up teaching class the next day when Dave absentmindedly tosses you his new paper and heads straight out the door. You wait until your class room is empty before reading it. It’s your last class of the day, anyway.

            For some reason, part of you is almost exited to read it. You know in your gut that there’s no way Dave followed your instructions, and maybe you just needed a little excitement in your life. You quickly push it back and remind yourself that you are going to kick his pale ass if he didn’t listen to you. You begin to read.

 

_“Oooooh, Mr. Stalin” says Communism “We’ve got to stop meeting like this.” Her hair blew gracefully in the wind along the secluded beach._

_Joseph Stalin steps forwards. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about tonight.” he says “I want to be together with you forever, Communism. I love you.”_

_Communism’s eyes go wide. But her face quickly falls. “I’m sorry Joseph, but I couldn’t do that to Lenin and Trotsky. Besides, you know what the people have said: rumors that great destruction will happen if a single petal is deflowered from my rose by you, Sir.”_

_Stalin runs forward and wrapped his arms around her. He stares deep into her eyes. “Who cares about any of them? Please let this be as it should be.”_

_Seeing no protest in her eyes, he leans in and kisses her soft, sparkling lips._

 

           You can’t handle this. You can’t really blame yourself for that though, nobody in their right mind could handle this. It’s like a traffic accident that’s so bad you can’t look away. You continue reading the soap opera plot of Joseph Stalin basically being the worst boyfriend ever and ruining communism for all of humankind in less than four pages.

            At the end, Dave had added a bibliography with the only source being the Sonic the Hedgehog wiki.

            There’s a feeling boiling inside you that you can’t really describe. It feels like rage, but you also have a strange desire to burst out laughing, something you totally didn’t do once during the entire amount of time you spent experiencing this sliver of inanity.

            You were going to kill him.

 

* * *

 

            You made your way home with the help of a stack of bus tickets that you found on the floor of the teacher’s lounge. Teaching was fun.

            When you make your way into your apartment, you hear a slight shuffling behind your door. You open it to find your roommate sitting on the couch, with a backwards shirt and a lack of laptop. He looks guilty as hell.

            “Oh my god, Sollux, I cannot deal with this right now.”

            He gives you the most angelic face he can possibly make. “Deal with what?”

            “Sollux, please don’t bring make-out buddies over any day when I have been working.”

            “KK, I’m totally the only one here right now.”

            “I don’t think anyone has reached the level of stupidity to where they can’t tell that you’re probably hiding someone in our fucking closet or something. Seriously Sollux, get it together. There’s a book on the life of Napoleon Bonaparte on the couch. There’s a purple scarf on the ground. The only neckwear you know of was that fucking tie you wore every day in fourth grade.”

            “Thanks for bringing that up.”

            “Ok, Sollux, I’m gonna turn my back for 60 seconds. When I look back we better be the only two people in the room.” You turn around and imminently hear more shuffling, followed by muffled speech that sounded like ‘ _what did you wear in fourth grade?’_ , followed by a pillow-smacking sound. You hear a door close.

            After a few seconds, you turn around and give the most menacing glare you can dish up.

            “I know who that was.” You say.

            “It wasn’t Eridan.”

            “I didn’t even ask if it was. God, this is more pathetic than I thought. Look, I can’t deal with this right now. I’m just gonna go study literary devices like someone who cares about live for the next two hours.”

            After playing getting your literary information from Mass Effect from the next two hours, your phone buzzes.

GC: SO 1 N33D 4 F4VOR

CG: NO.

GC: SO H3R3S TH3 FAVOR

GC: MY B3ST FRI3ND 1S 1N YOUR CLASS AND 1 TH1NK YOU SHOULDNT FA1L H1M

CG: I’VE ACTUALLY NEVER MANAGED TO FAIL ANYONE. HOW UNBELIEVABLY HORRID IS YOUR FRIEND THAT YOU NEED TO ASK ME THIS?

GC: NOT ACTALLY THAT T3RR1BL3

GC: 1 JUST WORRY THAT YOU M1GHT FA1L SOM3ON3 OUT OF RAG3 W1TH TH3M

CG: HOW TERRIBLE OF A TEACHER DO YOU THINK I AM? NOT FAILING PEOPLE OUT OF SPITE IS LIKE RULE NUMBER ONE.

CG: LOOK, MY DAY HAD A LOT OF BULLSHIT IN IT. CAN WE JUST HAVE THIS CONVERSATION SOME TIME WHEN I’VE HAD A SHIT-FREE DAY?

GC: K4RK4T 4CCORD1NG TO YOU SOM3TH1NG R1D1CULOUSLY OV3RW3LM1ING H4S H4PP3ND TO YOU 3V3RY D4Y OF YOUR L1F3

GC: TH1S 1S WHY 1 WORRY 4BOUT TH3 WHOL3 SP1T3-F41L1NG TH1NG

CG: WHAT’S YOUR FRIENDS NAME ANYWAY?

GC: D4V3 STR1D3R

CG: NO.

GC: WHY WH4T D1D H3 DO

CG: THIS.

CG: ASSFACE PAPER FROM HELL 2.0.PDF

GC: OK WOW

CG: IF HE WAS GOING TO WRITE SHIT LIKE THIS, WHY WOULD HE EVEN BOTHER ASKING YOU TO COME TO ME? HE COULD HAVE JUST, I DON’T KNOW, NOT WRITE THIS?

GC: H3 D1DNT 4CT4LLY 4SK M3 1 JUST F1GUR3D 1 SHOULD

GC: 4LSO 1T 1S V3RY 1LL1G4L FOR YOU TO B3 SH4R1NG TH1S W1TH P3OPL3

CG: YOU READ IT.

GC: DO YOU R34LLY TH1NK 1 C4R3

GC: SOM3T1M3S 3V3N GOOD L4WS AR3 3TUP1D

CG: THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.

            You also have your daily message from Kanaya reminding you to eat. Gamzee has left you something as well.

TC: WhY aRe We AlL gAy?

TC: WhAt aRe ThE cHaNcEs Of ThAt?

CG: NO.

 

* * *

 

            You’ve been waiting for your confrontation with Dave for about twenty four hours, and your class period is finally over.

            He heads towards you before you even call him over. He quickly pulls up a chair. You take a minute to hate his blond hair, dumb freckles, stupid shades, and face that looks just a bit too thin. He’s even recently pierced one ear, which you wouldn’t say looks terrible, but it makes him look even less cool.

            “Sup.”

            “So, remember when I gave you that list of rules to follow?”

            “Yea.”

            “Remember when I said you were not allowed to attempt humor?”

            “Yea.”

            You were heavily contemplating whacking him on the head with his own stupid paper. Maybe he would learn something through the pain of words. However, you were an adult and adults don’t do such things.

            “You handed me almost four pages of soft-core romance between Joseph Stalin and the physical embodiment of communism.”

            “Yea."

           You wacked him over the head with his own stupid paper. “Oh my god, you idiot. You can’t turn in a bunch of garbage just because you think it’s funny.” you say.

            He jumps a little in surprise. “Jeez, Karkat, you’re touchy. Take a bath. Pop a chill pill, get some candles, sing goddamn girl-scout songs to yourself or something.”

            He adjusts his shades. “Besides, nothing I wrote was even remotely intended to be funny.”

            "This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever read-“ you were prepared to go on a magnificent rant but he apparently has the nerve to cut you off with a gasp and shocked expression.

            “I can’t believe you would say that about true artistic beauty.”

            In horror, you find yourself giggling just a tiny bit. The sheer ridiculousness of the situation is driving you insane. You try to pass it off as an angry cough but Dave’s growing smirk says it’s too late.

            He bolts to his feet. “You laughed, I’m off the hook.”

            You work hard not to toss a few books at him as he runs through the door. Instead, you make some kind of guttural noise.

 

* * *

 

            You’re almost home and ready to complain. Eridan walks out the door to your house. He gives you a ‘hey’ and is off. You’ll question that later.

            You walk into your apartment to see Sollux blasting Megalovania on his laptop while he aggressively punches keys. He’s swearing under his breath. You’ll question that later.

            “I gave your number to some guy.” he says as you pass. You’ll question that later.

            It’s times like this when you wish you could afford a repercoon. Real soper slime had depleted decades ago. There was a method for synthetic slime, but no one who wasn’t at least upper-middle class could afford it. You would have to settle for your pile of old writing notebooks and old romance novels. It was still better than Sollux’s pile of graph paper and hostility.

            You’ve spent about an hour doing things for the classes you taught (none of which were in the TA job description) when your phone goes off on you.

TG: yo

CG: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

CG: SATAN, IS THAT YOU? THANKS FOR COMING, I’M READY TO DIE. MY ONLY REGRET IS THAT I NEVER GOT TO 360 NOSCOPE ALL THE NOOBS 4 THE WIN.

TG: its that guy from your science class

TG: the one with the eye patch who always wears the sweatpants that say juicy across the ass

CG: WHY DO I GET THE FEELING YOU’RE GOING TO KILL ME?

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

TG: fine its dave

TG: the hot human guy in that class you teach

TG: you know the one who is much too smart to wear sweatpants advertising the level of assical juiciness

TG: is assical a word

TG: it is now

CG: I HAVE TO DEAL WITH MORE THAN ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT ON A REGULAR BASIS NOW. WHAT KIND OF SADISTIC FUCK ARE YOU TO ACTALLY BOTHER ME IN A TIME WHEN I AM NOT REQUIRED TO TALK TO YOU?

TG: i need a favor

CG: FIRST OF ALL NO.

TG: its important

CG: DO YOU ACTUALLY EXPECT AFTER ALL YOU’VE PUT ME THROUGH, THAT I WOULD HONESTLY HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING?

CG: SERIOUSLY, THIS IS AN HONEST QUESTION.

CG: I MEAN NOBODY IS SO DUMB AS TO SPEND THREE DAYS GOING OUT OF THEIR WAY TO BOTHER ME AND THEN EXPECTING ME TO HELP THEM. WHAT KIND OF FUCKING ASININE THOUGHT PROCESS MUST YOU HAVE?

TG: that was a wild ride of insults

TG: but my thought process is more of a train coming in to wreck your shit

CG: I’M GOING TO IGNORE THAT COMMENT AND INSTEAD FOCUS ON THE FACT THAT YOU ACTUALLY GAVE A TOPICAL REPLY.

TG: do people not usually say anything to your rants

TG: what

TG: i thought the part where you looked deep into what level of idiocy I type with was interesting

CG: ARE YOU MOCKING ME?

TG: yes but less than i expected i would

CG: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

TG: it doesnt matter

TG: anyway i want that last paper i wrote back

CG: WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO KEEP THAT PIECE OF GARBAGE?

TG: offensive

TG: and because it is a thing a beauty straight from my heart and penis

TG: i am over exaggerating but really not by that much

TG: i cried twice while i was writing it

TG: that’s not even a joke do you realize how amazing of an idea that was

TG: i might never have an idea that great again

TG: look at me 19 and already out of ideas i had one shot to mean something to the internet but a teacher ripped it from my grasp

TG: do you really wanna be that guy

CG: ARE YOU DONE?

TG: no

TG: yes

CG: DON’T YOU HAVE AN ELECTRONIC COPY?

TG: i did it on a school computer

CG: WOW, JUST WHEN I STARTED TO THINK YOU MIGHT NOT BE THAT STUPID. NO ONE HAS EVER MANAGED TO SUCCESSFULLY SAVE ANYTHING TO A SCHOOL COMPUTER. NO ONE HAS EVEN BOTHERED TO FUCKING TRY SINCE THE GREAT DUI SCANDLE OF 2014.

TG: what the fuck is that

CG: DIAL UP INTERENT SCANDLE.

CG: SOLLUX FUCKING CAPTOR THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO HACK INTO THE SCHOOL COMPUTER LIBRARY TO CREATE SOME STUDENT FILE SAVING PROGRAM.

TG: judging by the fact that im staring a blank word document i can induce that it didnt work

CG: THREE COMPUTERS BLEW UP.

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, WE’VE BEEN TALKING FOR WAY TOO LONG. I CAN’T BELIEVE I LET MYSELF GET PULLED INTO AN ACTUAL ASSHOLIAN CONVERSATION WITH YOU.

CG: JUST TELL ME WHAT’S IN IT FOR ME IF I GIVE YOU BACK YOUR PAPER.

TG: are you asking me to bribe you

CG: NO, I’M JUST ABOUT TO DO YOU A HUGE FAVOR. I’M ALLOWED TO FEEL ENTITLED.

TG: i dont think you understand how bribes work

CG: STOP SAYING IT’S A BRIBE.

TG: its a bribe

CG: DO YOU TAKE SATISFACTION IN BEING ANNOYING?

CG: AGAIN, I CAN’T BELIEVE I LET MYSELF TAKE SHIT FROM SOMEONE WHO’S BASICALLY AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD ALBINO.

TG: im like 12 so shut up

TG: and dont mock my skin

TG: living in the texas sun for 13 years already gave it more mock than could clean your clock

TG: im gonna write that down

TG: besides being white saved my ass in the south

TG: i know you guys have blood racism but here we have good olde fashion rednecks

TG: god the south sucked major ass

TG: the only people i really knew who wernt white humans were internet friends

CG: OH YEA, HUMANS AND THEIR DIFFERENT SKIN COLORS.

CG: ALSO WHAT THE FUCK IS A REDNECK?

TG: slang for southern racists

TG: kind of

TG: i mean I could say something about how you cant always blame people for the way they were raised

TG: but some of those people man

TG: major mocking my smock

CG: IS MOCKING A SMOCK THAT BAD?

TG: the worst

CG: HUMANS ARE WEIRD.

TG: if it makes you feel better troll brains and human brains are basically the same most of our differences are cultural

TC: well most of them

TG: its like gender roles you guys have those right

CG: THAT DOES NOT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. WHY WOULD THAT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER? NOTHING COULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, ESPECIALLY THE KNOWLEDGE THAT IF I WAS RAISED JUST THE RIGHT WAY WITH A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT NEUROLOGICAL STRUCTURE I TOO COULD WRITE SMUT ABOUT COMMUNISM. 

TG: well no

TG: because you still gotta factor in those sweet personality traits

TG: the ones that dont change no matter how youre raised

TG: like whatever trait you have that gives you a need to make elegant screeches at random things

TG: screeching is what makes you you

TG: isnt that beautiful or something

CG: I’M LOOKING AT A STEAMING PILE OF DOG SHIT THAT IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN ANYTHING TO EVER COME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

CG: ALSO WHAT THE FUCK IS GENDER?

TG: a human thing

TG: if you want to know about it sollux has a chart

TG: shit goes motherfucking down on that thing

TG: the first time I saw one of solluxs charts i couldnt sleep for two days

CG: I’M SURE WHATEVER HUMAN GENDER IS IT’S NOT IMPORTAND ENOUGH TO LOOK AT THE UNBELIEVABLY ANALYITICAL AND EMOTIONLESS GRAPHS THAT MY SHITTY ROOMATE CREATES.

CG: WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING?

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, IT’S ACTALLY MY FAULT FOR LETTING MYSELF GET CAUGHT IN THIS TRAINWRECK OF A VICE.

CG: WE’VE BEEN TALKING FOR FOURTY-FIVE MINUTES.

CG: JUST FUCKING SPIT OUT WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO BRIDE ME WITH.

TG: my father left behind a lot of romance novels

CG: NO.

TG: too cliche huh

TG: what if I told you that they really suck

TG: really bad

TG: no one with good taste would like them on any level that wasn’t entirely ironic

TG: im talkin dreamy wearwolves levels of bad

CG: OK.

CG: SO.

CG: MAYBE.

TG: thought that might work

CG: DO ME A FAVOR AND DON’T TELL ANYONE.

CG: AS IN, IF YOU DO TELL ANYONE I WILL MAKE YOU CHOKE ON YOUR OWN “RELGIOUS EXPERIENCE” OF A HISTORICAL GOVERNMENT FANFICTION.

TG: glad we could work something else

            You were going to kill Sollux.

            But first, you had a message from Kanaya. You realize you kind of miss her and scroll up as far as possible so you can read all of the elegant conversations you had with her over the past five or so days. Life was only so long, after all.

(sent Sunday)GA: Did You Remember To Eat 

CG: YES.

(sent Monday)GA: Did You Remember To Eat 

CG: YES.

(sent Tuesday)GA: Did You Remember To Eat 

CG: NO.

GA: Go Eat

(sent Wednesday)GA: Did You Remember To Eat

>CG: YES.

            And look at that, you have a brand new message from her today. You wonder what it says. You open it with excitement.

GA: Did You Remember To Eat?

CG: NO.

GA: Go Eat

            What a beautiful friendship. You go and eat.

           You open up your phone one last time before you mentally unchecked yourself to text Eridan.

CG: ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH MY ROOMATE?

CA: wwho the fuck is sollux

CG: I DIDN’T EVEN SAY SOLLUX’S NAME YET.

CA: i wwas supposed to wwait wwasnt i

CA: ok ask me again but this time say sollux

CG: ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH SOLLUX?

CA: wwho the fuck is sollux

 

* * *

 

            It’s your last class of the day, last day of the week, and so far nothing terrible has happened.

            You finish blabbing about how you should never, _ever,_ use italics in your writing unless it was a name of something or the sentence _really_ didn’t make sense without it. Dave waits for the room to clear before coming to your desk.

            He opens his bag and dumps about seven books on to your desk without saying a word. You toss his paper at him.

            “Could you also send me the electronic copy tonight?”

            “If you promise not to pull me into another god awful conversation with you, sure.” You did not know why you were being so nice.

            “Catcha on the flip side.” And he’s off.


	3. The One With The Shitpost Of A group Chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: All of the terrible memes I use in this chapter (and entire work, except for maybe one picture of Arin Hanson) are made by me out of actual canon Homestuck art (on one instance Pokémon screen shots) and stock photos.

            You walk in to Sollux and Aradia aggressively watching some show. Sollux pauses it as you come in. “Do we have any food? I forgot to eat for the last twenty four hours.” He says.

            You sigh dramatically and toss him a banana and a donut. Aradia looks slightly concerned as Sollux jams over half a banana into his mouth.

            “Sollux, you realize you could have just gotten up. The kitchen is fucking ten feet away. We don’t even have a kitchen. It’s just a cooler. You could have just rolled it next to you. How fucking stupid are you? Why am I being so nice to people today?”

            “We were watching Game Theory.” He says, like you’re supposed to understand the importance of that.

            You open and close your mouth a few times.

            He looks at you melodramatically. “You don’t understand, the Game Theorists finally did Undertale.”

            “You’re right about me not understanding. Actually, the only thing I’m doing less than understanding right now is caring.”

            Aradia makes some kind of trilling noise. “Any time that is not spent watching this video doesn’t matter!” She hits the play button and she and Sollux restart their overreactions to some nerdy troll guy on a screen yelling about video games and outdated references.

            You decide that your day today has been far too stupid for you to not have some kind of symbolic flip out session.

            You remember than you should message Dave, but you’re not sure you’re quite ready to do that. You make your way to the bathroom to shower and discover that Sollux has left his saxophone on the bathroom floor.

            You briefly consider shoving it up one of the many open orifices on his body, but he did give you a lesson on human gender earlier today that was about one hundred times better than the ones your brother used to try to give you. You decide on just sticking his sax up high somewhere he can’t reach. Then you remember that Sollux is a good seven inches taller than you. You settle for propping it against the outside of the bathroom door.

            “Woodstock is over!” you yell. That was not your best zinger. You really need to work on that.

            You organize a couple of rants as you shower and even rehearse a few social situations. You notice that the metal soap dish has been replaced by a fancy oyster shell.

            You weren’t really sure Sollux was even trying to hide it anymore. You wish that instead of that, Eridan would have left his wallet or one of the hundreds he probably used for toilet paper.

            You consider wrapping yourself in one of the already-been-used-four-times-towels but decided that Sollux has probably seen you naked so many times at this point that he’s completely desensitized.

            You pass Sollux and Aradia on your way to your pile. You had forgotten that Aradia was here. But she and Sollux were still so engrossed in whatever thing they were watching that they didn’t notice you.

            You take your sweet time texting Dave, taking a stop to rant about the Republican party. And then the Democratic party. And then the party system.

            You immediately worry that you are too much like your brother.

            Wait no, he just left a comment informing you of all the ways you were wrong and not qualified to make such statements. You feel better.

            You see that Gamzee has sent a message and prepare yourself for the shitstorm of stupidity you are about to witness.

TC: So YoU kNoW hOw We BaSiCaLlY hAvE tHe SaMe BrAiNs As HuMaNs?

TC: I MeAn We’Re CuLtUrAlLy DiFeReNt AnD tHaT’s MaGiCaL bUt We’Re AlL tHe SaMe AnD ThAt’S bEaUtIfUl ToO?

CG: OH MY GOD GAMZEE, I REALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR G-RATED DISNEY CHANEL HIPPIE IDEAS.

CG: I MEAN, YEA, WE’RE ALL THE SAME.

CG: HOW IS THAT BEAUTIFUL ESPECIALLY WHEN WE RIP EACH OTHER TO FUCKING SHREDS?

CG: TROLLS AND HUMANS, BOTH WITH THE SAME SHTTY BRAIN THAT HAS THE NEED TO DESTROY ANY FUCKING REMINISCE OF ESCAPE FROM THE NORM.

CG: THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF BEAUTY.

CG: THAT’S HORRIFIC.

TC: DaMn DuDe ThAt Is SoMe MoThErFuCkIn DaRk ShIt.

TC: AcTuAlLy I wAs JuSt GoNnA bE LiKe wHaT aRe ThE MoThErFuCkInG cHaNcEs Of BoTh OuR sPiCiEs BeInG tHaT sImIlaR.

TC: BeSiDeS, We’Ve EvOlVeD.

CG: NOT FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS.

TC: BuT sOcIeTy ToTaLlY HaS. HoW cOuLd It HaVe DoNe ThAt WiThOut AlL ThAt MoThEfUcKiN LoVe AnD sHiT.

CG: I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO QUESTION HOW THAT MADE ME FEEL BETTER.

TC: HaHaHa MaN, yOu DoN’t GoTtA qUeStIoN iT. :o)

TC: SoMeTiMeS tHiNgS aRe JuSt ThErE cHiLliN iN dOn’T qUsTiOn It LaNd.

CG: THAT’S NOT A REAL PLACE.

TC: DoN’t QuEsTiOn It.

CG: I’LL QUESTION WHATEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE.

CG: LIKE THE FACT THAT YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED IN THE ENTIRE FIVE EXCREMENT-FILLED SWEEPS I’VE KNOWN YOU.

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M GOING TO QUESTION WHY THE FUCK I’M LYING NAKED IN A PILE OF DISCARDED ENGLISH ESSAYS AND STILL TALKING TO YOU.

TC: EnGlIsH? i LiKe ThAt NaMe. CaN i UsE iT?

CG: WHAT THE FUCK? ENGLISH ISN’T A NAME.

CG: USE IT FOR WHAT?

CG: OH GOD, NOT ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR JUGGALO PORN STRIPS. 

TC: I GoTtA Go.

            You waste even more time by taking a Hogwarts house quiz. You get Hufflepuff again but it’s a mistake.

            You finally decided that Dave has suffered enough and send him the file. You take extra precautions to not get sucked into another conversation with him. You’re not sure your already dismissing pride can take it.

CG: ASSFACE PAPER FROM HELL 2.0.PDF

TG: you renamed my paper

TG: i like it

TG: it showcases your personality

CG: THANKS OK BYE.

TG: jeez mr cold breath

TG: seriously i can feel that chill from here

TG: before you go can you tell sollux I said hey

CG: OK, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHY YOU CAN’T TELL HIM YOURSELF.

TG: yea true

TG: but i was hoping that i could convince you to print this out and leave it on his bed or something

TG:

CG: SO I TOLD MYSELF THAT I WASN’T GOING TO GET DRAGGED INTO ANOTHER CONVERSATION WITH YOU.

CG: BUT I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THAT IS THE FUCKING STUPIDEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN.

CG: SERIOUSLY, HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH YOUR CREATIONS?

CG: STRIDER, HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT YOU ARE BASICALLY A HUMAN SHITPOST?

TG: dont police art

TG: this is pure symbolism of solluxs feelings towards the dual faced façade this crule world is

TG: i know you feel left out

TG: ill make one of you

CG: DO NOT! DO NOT MAKE ONE OF ME! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT TWO-HUNDRED DOLLARS!

TG: too late

TG:

TG: this symbolizes how even though you dont like everything about yourself, youve slowly been learning to love yourself even if its hard and learn that you deserve good things

TG: like yourself

CG: OK.

CG: THERE ARE ABOUT THREE THINGS WE NEED TO GO OVER RIGHT NOW.

CG: BECAUSE THIS IS UNBELIEVEABLE ON AT LEAST THREE LEVELS.

CG: FIRST OF ALL, WERE DID YOU GET THESE DRAWLINGS OF ME?

TG: gamzee

TG: he has some of all of us

TG: i think its cute

CG: THERE IS NOTHING CUTE ABOUT THIS! THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF CUTE. I WOULD GO ON SOME KIND OF TANGENT ABOUT HOW UNBELIEVABLY UNCUTE THIS IS. BUT INSTEAD I WANT TO FOCUS ON WHY YOU MADE THIS.

CG: WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THIS?

CG: WHAT KIND OF PERSON MUST YOU BE TO FIND ANY SMIDGEN OF ENTERTAINMENT FROM THE CREEPIEST SHITPOSTIEST SELFCESTIES PILE OF FECES-TAINTED GARBAGE THAT HAS EVER TOUCHED MY EYES?

TG: here you know what

TG: ill make it fair

TG: you can make an artistic representation of me

CG: HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOUR EGOTISTICAL ASS THAT I MIGHT NOT WANT TO MAKE A FUCKING SHITIDOR DALI OF YOU?

TG: itll be fun

CG: I DON’T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND HOW FUN WORKS.

TG: yea im the one with the lack of fun in his life

CG: I HAVE FUN! BEING IMMPASSIONATE IS UNDERRATED.

CG: I’M HAVING FUN RIGHT NOW NOT MAKING MEMES OF YOU.

TG: i think youre just jealous

CG: JEALOUS OF WHAT?

TG: that you cant lay down some awesome creativity shit and portray some aspect of life in ms paint

CG: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TRYING TO USE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY TO GET ME TO DO THIS?

TG: is it working

CG: OK FIRST OF ALL I DON’T EVEN HAVE ANY OF THE REQUIRED MATERIALS TO MAKE A SHITPOST OF YOU.

TG:

CG: THAT PERSON IS WAY TOO GORGEOUS TO BE YOU. WHY IS THERE LAVA IN THE BACKGROUND?

TG: first of all im like thirteen in this pic so thats some icky shit

CG: THIS IS A DRAWING.

TG: actually its a tracing of a picture

TG: also i am way more attractive now

CG: WHATEVER. THIS ISN’T SHITTY ENOUGH.

TG: sorry for some reason there just arent any shitty pictures of me

CG: YOU WANT TO BET ON THAT?

CG: “OH NO, MY COMPUTER HAS A VIRUS! WHO EVER SHALL HELP ME?”

TG: dude youve snapped

TG: what the fuck are you talking about

(just entered)TA: who2 got a viiru2?

TG: oh my god

TG: sollux can be summoned

TG: how does that work

TA: ii get notiifiied whenever 2omeone iin my contact2 type2 computer and viiru2 iin the 2ame 2entence.

TG: thats both helpful and creepy

CG: I DON’T HAVE A VIRUS, I JUST NEED YOU TO WIRE SOMEONE ELSE INTO OUR CONVERSATION.

TA: diidnt ii teach you how two do that a long tiime ago.

CG: YES.

CG: I DON’T REMEMBER HOW.

CG: YOU’RE JUST SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME AT THIS.

CG: HELP OUT A DAMSEL.

TA: who do you want.

CG: GAMZEE.

TA: giimiie a 2econd.

(just entered)TC: WhAt’S uP, kArBrO?

CG: I NEED THE SHITTIEST DRAWING OF DAVE YOU HAVE.

TC: DoNe. :o)

TC:

TG: i still dont think this is a bad drawing

TG: look at that pose

TG: that is the pose of a man who just peed and got it all in the urinal

TA: ii2 iit hard to get iit all iin the urinal?

TG: you havnt tried

TC: WhAt In ThE mOtHeRfUcK iS a UrInAl?

TA: iit2 a human toliiet where they pee 2tandiing up liike iimbeciile2.

TC: If I cOuLd PeE sTaNdInG uP wHy WoUlD I eVeN bE nEeDiNg To Do AnYtHiNg ElSe.

TG: oh yea i guess since your genitalia is usually internal you wouldnt be able to do that

TG: score one for me

TG: i guess thats why we have segregated bathrooms

TG: wait

TG: couldnt you just get horny and do it

TA: have you triied peeiing when youre horny?

TC: I oNlY cAn PeE wHeN i’M hOrNy.

TG: damn

TA: we dont pee out the bulge part we ba2ically do iit liike human female2

TG: so out the vagoo part

TA: human female2 dont pee out of thiier vagiina2.

TG: wait

TG: really

TG: oh my god i googled it

TG: how did I not know this

TC: YoU aLl WaNnA kNoW sOmEtHiNg MoThErFuCkiNg FaCiNaTiNg?

TC: OuR GeNiTAls ArE mOrE dIfFeReNt ThAn OuR tHiNk TaNkS.

TA: ii never thought iid agree wiith gamzee on anythiing but he2 riight.

TG: hey wait

TG: why is karkat being so quiet

TA: ii dont know he2 liike fiive feet away from me

TA: he2 ju2t agre22iivly cliickiing hii2 mou2e in hi2 piile of romance novel2 and 2adne22.

TA: kk, why are you naked?

CG: SHUT UP, I’M NOT DONE YET.

TG: wow i didnt think he would actually do it.

CG:

TC: I hAvE nO mOtHeRfUcKiNg IdEa WhAt Is GoNiNg On HeRe. CaN i KeEp It?

CG: IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU PLAN TO DO WITH IT.

CG: IF THE ANSWER IS “SOME CREEPY SHIT” THEN NO.

TC: WhAt Is WrOnG wItH hIs HanDs?

TC: If It’S sOmE kInDa WiCkEd FaSiOn StAtEmEnT tHeN i LiKe It.

TA: ok, apparently one of us ha2 never u2ed the iinternet ever.

TC: No WaY mAn! I bE lOvIn’ ThAt DiAl Up ShIt.

TG: why do i feel like all hes done is watch charlie the unicorn over and over

TC: HoW dId YoU kNoW?

CG: OK, SO IF YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO CHALLENGE ME TO MAKE A MEANINGFUL SHITPOST YOU NEED TO SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ITS MEANING.

TA: we know what iit mean2. iit mean2 “iim an adult and thii2 ii2 stiill how ii 2pend my free tiime".

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU’RE RIGHT. I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO BE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, BUT APPARENTLY, I’M TOO STUPID TO RECOGNIZE THE BLACK HOLE OF IMMATURITY THAT IS TRYING TO TALK TO YOU THREE.

CG: YOU TELL YOURSELF THAT YOU’RE JUST GOING TO MAKE ONE COMMENT, BUT IT ENDS UP BEING FIFTY AND YOU’RE LEFT WITH SOMEHOW EVEN LESS SELF-WORTH THAT YOU ORIGINALLY HAD.

CG: IN CASE IT WASN’T CLEAR, BY ‘YOU’ I MEAN ‘ME’ IN THIS SCENARIO.

CG: SO I AM GOING TO DO THE MATURE THING AND LEAVE.

CG: BECAUSE THE ONLY THING MORE STUPID THAN THIS GIANT TRAIN-WRECK OF A CONVERSATION IS THE FACT THAT I’M STILL HERE.

TC: BrO.

TC: ThErE’s NoThInG wRoNg WiTh A LiTtLe ImMaTuRiTy OnCe In EvEry WhIlE.

TC: LeT a LiTtLe LoSe.

TG: yea teach all the kids how to dance

TG: and then kevin bacon shows up and kills everyone

TG: i never actually saw footlose

CG: THIS IS DARWIN AWARD LEVELS OF STUPIDITY.

CG: THIS SHOULD BE ILLEGAL.

(just entered)GC: WH4T SHOULD B3 1LL1G4L

TG: does anyone here not get summoned when their profession gets mentioned

TC: ThAt CrEePy GrEeN bLoOd ShOwS uP iF yOu SaY aNyThInG aBoUt NoT eAtInG.

(just entered)GA: Please Eat

GA: Oh

GA: Gamzee

(just left)GA: Im Going To Go

TG: i say this shit all the time and nobody gets summoned

CG: THAT’S BECAUSE SOLLUX CHANGED OUR CONVERSATION TO PUBLIC.

TG: but that means sollux got in while it was still private

TG: how the fuck

TA: lii2ten dave.

TA: ii can do whatever the fuck ii want.

GC: OH GOD WH4T D1D K4RK4T M4K3

GC: C4N 1 H4V3 1T

TA: ye2.

GC: OH H3Y SOLLUX

GC: C4N YOU T3LL 4R4D1A 1 S41D H1

CG: IT’S ALMOST MIDNIGHT EVERYBODY GO THE FUCK TO BED!

(just left)TC: I’m NoT aCtUaLlY eVeN sUrE i’M aWaKe RiGhT nOw.

(just left)GC: D4MN 1 M1SS3D 1T L3TS DO TH1S AG41N SOM3T1M3

(just left)TA: ii dont even know how ii got here.

CG:  STRIDER, WHY AREN’T YOU LEAVING?

TA: i feel like you can keep a secret

CG: WHAT SECRET?

TA: i dont know

TA: that was just

TA: fun

CG: ISN’T “IRONIC” STUPIDITY AND MS PAINT PHOTOSHOP WHAT YOU USUALLY DO FOR FUN?

TA: yea but this was different

TA: you know

CG: NO.

TA: oh nevermind

TA: hey if you want I can rewrite that paper

TA: but like actually how you wanted

CG: I ALREADY GAVE YOU A ‘B’.

TA: thats surprising

TA: thanks

TA: are we legally allowed to be talking

CG: PROBABLY NOT.

CG: SO IF YOU WANT YOUR GRADE TO STAY AT A ‘B’, KEEP YOUR PIE-TRAP SHUT.

TA: goodnight karkat

TA: god i don’t have anything snazzy to say

TA: i am snazzed out

(just left)TA: im gonna leave before i say anything too unsnazzy

 

            You’re left with some strange feeling of calmness. That probably means you need to go to bed. You answer Kanaya’s nightly message and finally sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I had more fun writing this group chat than I’ve had writing just about anything I’ve written in my life. Also, I feel like I’m the only person who liked the Game Theory on Undertale. Whatever this is my thing I’ll reference whatever I damn well please, like Emo Kylo Ren’s Twitter.


	4. The One With Food

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: So there’s a mention of murder in this chapter. No, it will not turn into some kind of action gory thing in case you were worried about that.
> 
> Also I can't get the first part of this to indent properly for some reason, sorry about that.

You spend most of your weekend catching up on work. Sollux has been blasting Megalovania so much that you’ve started dreaming about it. You wake up more than once with one of your pet cats on your face.

On Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, Dave had found some stupid reason to drag you into some remedial conversation after class. You almost found it flattering but had the sneaking suspicion that he was just incredibly bored.

It’s Thursday and he seems to be bored again. He walks towards your desk. He’s wearing slightly classier clothes than usual, a red dress shirt and some nice grey pants. He’s probably got some event that you will ask about later. Oh wait, you forgot. You don’t care.

“So I just found out that you’re a TA.”

“What do you mean, just found out? I mentioned it like seven times on the first day of school.”

“I missed that day.”

“Of course you did. How could I expect anything else from the great Shades-Boy-Sweagger 2013.”

“What happened to the actual teacher?”

“I don’t actually know.” This was an honest answer.

“Are you even getting your share of ‘make-it-rain’ supplies?”

“What in the ever loving fuck does that mean?”

“Are you getting paid?”

“Unless you count getting to bring smiles to the faces of sweet, innocent students, which I don’t count, then no.”

He doesn’t bother to sit down today, just stands there in a slightly awkward pose.

“Ok. So. I guess I feel kinda bad.” He says.

“Wow, I guess the shades-clathed douchebag had a vascular cavity all along.”

“I know, it’s crazy right? I could just rip open my chest and blood would be flying everywhere and everyone would be screaming, but you would be in the middle of it all like ‘hey look Dave does have a heart’ as it flopped around on the floor. So anyway I owe you one.”

“That was a wild ride of horrors. Yes, you do owe me one.”

“What do you want?”

You almost say ‘for you to shove yourself into your own anus until there’s nothing left’ but your stomach growls loudly before you can utter that artistic genius.

He smirks. “You want food.”

            “No I don’t. I don’t need food.”

            “I’m offering to buy you food, bro. That’s like grade ‘A’ chivalry.”

            “I am declining for the simple reason that we are not ‘hangout-food-bros’.”

            “Dude, I’m offering you free food in exchange for being an ass. You don’t have to take it. But if you don’t, your free slot of remorseful Strider is gonna peace out.”

            You regretfully stand up and gather your things. “God I hate the way you talk. You know what, fine. Not because I like you. I’m just doing this so I can be like those girls on TV who date old people and then kill them for money. Why is it only women who do that on TV? That’s such fucking genius and only slightly sociopathic idea. Human ginger roles are stupid.”

             “Ginger roles.”

            You toss a few books into his arms. “Carry these.”

            He manages not to drop any. That’s a first for all the people you have thrown objects of learning at.

            “Well excuse me, princess. You know, most people would be thankful, bla bla bla, speech is over, let’s go.”

            “Where are we going to, anyway?”

            “Where do you want to go?”

            “A different college where they give their TA’s healthcare.”

            “Ok, burgers it is.” He walks you over to a Ford Who Gives A Fuck car and you have a sneaking suspicion that he’s going to say ‘get it loser, we’re going shopping’ as soon as he sets foot inside his car.

            For some reason, he enters the passenger seat. You knew he was weird, but does he actually expect you to drive this thing when it’s his car and idea?

            “What the fuck, Strider. Get out of the passenger seat.”

            He rolls down the driver side window and you look into his car. He has a steering wheel over both front seats and you are very confused.

            You voice your confusion. “Strider, again, what the fuck.”

            He sighs. “Ok, so I probably should have told you this, but my car got rewired so I can drive on this side.”

            “Ok, first of all, what the fuck. Second of all, why? Third of all, that still doesn’t explain why there are two steering wheels in this car.”

            “Can you do me a huge favor and never tell what I’m about to tell you to Terezi?”

            “Yes, but only because I legitimately want to hear this probably ridiculous and fucking thank-pan numbing story for some reason.”

            “Ok, so every time I take Terezi anywhere, she wants to drive.”

            “Terezi can’t drive, she’s blind. What does this have to do wi-“ You suddenly get it. “Oh. She never notices?”

            He shakes his head.

            “So, you rewired your car and bought a fake steering wheel, just so you could trick Terezi into thinking she was driving?”

            “Yes. It sounds mean when you say it. Get in loser, we’re going shopping.”

            You go inside. It smells like apples.

As he starts driving you notice that there are fake petals below your seat, too.

            “Couldn’t she just hear you driving?”

            He spins the wheel. “I got this thing oiled up more than the entire cast of Chippendales”

            “Gross.”

            It’s kind of disorienting to watch someone drive on the right side of a car. You focus instead on the many cassette tapes littering the floor. You find one that says ‘Bustin Makes Me Feel Good But With Extra Bustins’ and you are now twenty percent sure that you are in a car with a serial killer.

            He looks over. “Oh, that one was a present for my friend John.” You think you know which John he means and quickly change the subject.

            “So, the inevitability of death.”

            “More like the inedibility of death, am I right?”

            “You’re a fucking dumbass, Strider.”

            “That’s fair.”

            He pulls into some 50’s themed burger place.

            You get out of the car and follow him in. It’s one of those places that serves both beef burgers and synthesized meat from your own planet. Not that there was much a difference, but you really had to work hard to find a way you could be angry about that.

            You try not to say anything as he writes ‘The Spanish Inquisition’ onto the ‘wait to be seated’ list. You know that anything you say about it will be replied to with the statement ‘because no one expects the Spanish Inquisition’ and you’re not sure you can deal with that right now.

            “Do I have a limit on what you’ll let me buy?” you ask.

            “Because nobody exp-“ he stops for a short second. “Oh. Thirty bucks. Knock yourself out, I don’t care.”

            “You’re gonna let me eat thirty dollars of food?”

            “Why not? You look slightly starved.”

            “Shut the fuck up asshole, I’ll rip you to shreds. You’re thinner than me, anyway. I have an almost thirty three inch waist. That does not qualify as starved for my height.”

            “Well, I guess you look over-worked then. And now I’m insulting you. You look fine.”

            You suppose you have lost some weight since college. At least you could still tip the scale over 130, something Sollux could barely do despite being taller. You liked to pretend that being 5’4 was an accomplishment.

            Although, since you had started college, Aradia, Fefari, Rose, and Tavros where the only people who had managed to gain any weight. The rest of you ranged from stocky to starving artist. Maybe you should eat more.

            “I already know I look like shit. You don’t have to remind me.”

            “No way, bro. You pull off those sweet dark eye circles. No body pulls off eye circles.”

            Some human waitress takes you to your table before you can complain about anything. She sits across from you in the booth, and you notice a fake juke box on the table.

            “You know Strider, it’s really hard to get into fifties nostalgia when my race didn’t crash on this shitty planet till the sixties.”

            “I thought you would appreciate some good bark-beast meat or whatever you scarf down that face hole.”

            “You filthy specist. We don’t eat dogs. Now shut up so we can have a normal conversation.”

            “So a conversation where I don’t talk.”

            “Just tell me something about your life, and I’ll pretend to care in exchange for you hospitality. Ok, tell me how you met Terezi.”

            He sets his menu down. “Well, one time I was in court. I got there early. So I snuck into a random court room and there was Terezi, kicking names and taking ass.”

            “I’m not even going to ask why you were in court. Wait, Terezi’s not even a lawyer yet. She’s a law student.”

            “Yea, but the lawyer the court gave her didn’t show up, so she took over. There’s not a lot of times in my life were I’ve been genuinely impressed, so it was kinda just like ‘wooh, I need to add her to the Strider awesome-socks list’.”

            “Wait a minute, why the fuck was Terezi in court?”

            He gives you look of slight surprise. “I thought you knew. She made it pretty clear.”

            “Oh great, she forgot to tell me. Am I allowed to know what happened or are you going to continue drowning me the fucking suspence that I should have learned a while ago? Wow, I feel special.”

            “Vriska happened.”

            The irritation melts off your demeanor and is replaced with genuine concern.

            “Wait, was this about Vriska killing someone?”

            “Fucking yea. Terezi worked to cleared her of that charge with the evidence that it was self-defense.”

            “Well that’s the most confusing news I’ve heard all day.”

            “Then she got her locked up on the account of crippling and blinding multiple people.”

            This news is somewhat overwhelming. “Strider, what the fuck. We can’t have a serious conversation. You’re supposed to be annoying and then I’m supposed to yell at you. We’re not supposed to talk about the judicial system and death.”

            “Hey, we can’t always be Nubs McShouty and Shades-Boy-Sweagger 2013. Just most of the time. Some of the time. A balance, perhaps, or the two kingdoms of irony and serious business.” He pushed his shades up dramatically. You take pride in the fact that it’s way dumber than he thinks it looks.

            “Just tell me what happened at the end of this court case so we can get back to the fucking stupidity that is our conversations.”

            “Fine. Vriska brought up the point that she had a terrible childhood and Terezi brought up the point that it wasn’t a risk she felt should be taken with the safety of others in the equation.”

            “Oh god it’s fucking heavy hour with Strider. Next thing I know you’re going to be asking me to voice my opinion on if a shitty childhood is an excuse for growing up to be shitty to others.”

            “Why not, we got time.”

            You toss your menu at him. “Oh god, I’m not opening up to you.”

            He grins. “If you do, the moment you finish I’ll do something utterly awesome and not ridiculous.”

            “That does not make me want to do it more! That makes me somehow want to do it even less!”

            “Well, ok. You don’t have to.”

            “Fine, I’ll fucking tell you if you’re gonna be an asshole about it.” You pause for a moment to gather your thoughts.

            You start speaking a little more quietly than before. “So, sometimes Sollux teaches me about random statistics when I can’t sleep.”

            “That’s fucking cute. Go on.”

            You hiss a little. “Well, once he taught me that roughly two percent of the population is in some mental state that basically means they have no sense of love or compassion and are basically sociopathic with an anti-social personality disorder.”

            “Wow, you are a downer.”

            “Shut up. I’m not done. He also taught me that although people who have shitty childhoods are more likely to be shitty to others, the vast majority of abuse victims grow up to be good people. I mean, how you’re raised has a part in it. But parents aren’t the only people raising their children. Almost everyone has at least one example of a good person in their life. So I think, in a way, some people are shitty, but don’t start acting on it until shitty things happen to them. So, no. I don’t think a shitty childhood is an excuse for blinding someone. Does that made sense? Probably not.”

            He rests his chin in his hand. “It mostly makes sense. You said the word ‘shitty’ a lot.”

            “Shut up, shit face.”

            “Although I’m glad you said that. It’s a good answer.”

            You lay your head on the table. “Oh god, now you just opened up to me. What the fucking shit, why is this suddenly Vantas and Strider’s Bestfriends Race.”   

            “Yes. You’ve told me that apparently this isn’t a lot of things. Now, as promised, something utterly ridiculous to skillfully defuse the tension.”

            “Wait! I did not agree to this! Oh my god, you’re not listening to me! Oh my god, you are currently standing up. Stop standing! Just sit on your fucking chair so I can unhappily eat my food and die in 27 sweeps!”

            Dave smirks and starts slowly drifting backwards. You realize that he’s wearing heelys. This is the worst day of your life.

            He does a full circle around your waitress as she comes to take you order. She looks very confused. This is the worst day of your life.

            He glides neatly back to your booth and sits down about two seconds before the waitress gets there. You order a blue cheese burger with grub sauce and try to ignore Dave very quietly playing “How Could This Happen to Me” on his phone. This is the worst day of your life.

            Your waitress leaves. It is time to voice the rage and horror burning inside of you.

            “You’re fucking stupid.”

            “You’re smirking.”

            “This is a pity smirk! I’m only smiling because I’m happy about how much I despise you.”

            “Dude, you’re still smirking like some motherfucker that just cashed in his entire collection of Sonic games and made twenty big bucks.”

            “Shut up and ask me something so we have continue having a terrible conversation!”

“So, how did you meet Sollux?” he asks.

            “Why the fuck do you care?”

            “He’s my friend. I’m interested in your life. Remember, blood spraying vascular cavity, right?”

            “I’ve known his since we were grubs. We live together because we can both live solely off of rage at other people’s stupidity and way less than enough money.”

            “Yea, I’ve always wondered how you too can not get wiped-out by being in a constant state of at least mild irritation.”

            “Well, it’s also because Sollux is so annoyingly analytical that it worked out.” You probably shouldn’t have told him that.

            “Why would that matter?” he asks.

            “None of your goddamn business, Strider.”

            He leans back. “Alright.”

            You were expecting him to pry with minor annoyances until you gave up and threw another hard object at him. You assumed it meant he was actually a horrible person and didn’t care about your life at all. Either that or he was respecting your boundaries, but that didn’t make sense.

            “Alright, I’ll tell you if you’re really gonna keep fucking being annoying about it. Sollux sees everything scientifically. I felt bad about not even making the hemospectrum. He taught me that no matter how hard I hated on myself, science would never show that mutant bloods are genetically worse than anyone else. And I guess I fucking liked that, is that so wrong?”

            “No, that’s not wrong at all. That’s like some hippie shit but way better.”

            “So why are you looking at me like that?”

            He smiles. “Cause now you’re opening up to me.”

            “The only opening I do around you is, uh, closing openings, because I don’t want to see or hear you!” You silently curse yourself for how terrible that came out.

            “Dude, pop a chill pill.” He says as your waitress comes to deliver your food. You weren’t aware just how much food you ordered and you realize you haven’t had this much to eat since Feferi’s last birthday party.

            Most of your mind is telling you to jam this entire burger into your mouth. But you’re a civilized person, and civilized people didn’t shove entire burgers into their speech-holes. You take a bite and come the closest you’ve ever come to orgasming from food in your life.

            “Jesus, Karkat, stop trying to shove half of that into your mouth at once. When was the last time you ate?”

            You attempt to tell him to can it but you doubt he understood what you meant.

            “Dude, you don’t have to growl at me. But do, I guess, if that’s what you want to do.”

            You go back to civilly scarfing down your food like you haven’t eaten in a few days. Dave continues looking mildly concerned.

            “This is like watching some kind of anthropomorphic wolf try to eat seven different animals at the same time. I’m actually learning more about the food chain just from watching you eat.”

            You growl again and wipe the sauce that has mysteriously gotten all over your face.

            After a few minutes you finish your food. He pushes forward the rest of him fries without saying anything. You give him an uncertain look.

            “You can have these if you want. I feel they’ll benefit you more than me.” He says.

            You take them, ignoring the way you kind of feel like a bark-beast getting fed under the table at family dinner.

            You finish them. “Bro, that took you less than seventeen seconds. Congrats.” He says. “Also this is the longest I’ve seen you go without shouting.” He looks perplexed.

            You can finally utter ‘can it Strider’ at his general direction. You suddenly feel unbelievably sleepy.

            “Dude are you seriously gonna pass out on me? When I said ‘knock yourself out’ I didn’t mean literally.” You think this is what he says, but sounds are getting hard to focus on. You hear him ask for a check.

            “Ok, you should probably wake up because I’m guessing you don’t want me carrying you out of this restaurant to my car through a crowd of strangers. Wow, that sounds like a really terrible _Fall Out Boy_ song..”

            You manage to stand up with your eyes kind of open. Dave puts his hands on your shoulders guides you to the exit and through the parking lot. You get to his Ford Who Gives A Fuck car. You half sit, half fall into your seat. You haven’t felt this exhausted in a long time and wonder if maybe getting only five hours of sleep a night is starting to catch up on you. All of your senses seem reduced and you hear yourself incoherently muttering about how much you don’t care about what kind of Ford he has.

            Eventually you faintly feel one arm bellow wrap under your knees and another under your upper back. Somewhere in your mind you realize that Dave is carrying you and that you should probably flip about that. You’ll flip out about it tomorrow.

            You feel your body being slightly shifted and you hear a ring that you’re pretty sure is either death or your doorbell. This is followed by some muffled conversation, and you being handed off to two different arms. You really, really should be less ok with this. Sollux deposits you in your pile and you finally finish drifting off.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: One of my best friends loves Vriska but didn’t even complain that much about me writing this. DJW, thanks.


	5. The One With The Bees

            It’s the next day, your last class hasn’t even started yet, and you’re already freaking about the fact that you let a student buy you food, and carry you to your house. You wish Dave could have been in your first class. At least then you wouldn’t have to wait in agony for the extreme awkwardness that was about it happen in about three minutes.

            Teaching turns out not to be as bad as you expected. You spend most of it thinking about how short you are compared to most of your students. You even have enough time at the end to go on a rant about how much you hate Joyce Carol Oats’ _Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been_. Dave breaks his streak of coming to see you after class. That’s probably good.

            You take out your phone and message Terezi.

CG: SO REMEMBER WHEN I DIDN’T FAIL YOUR ILLITERATE IDIOT OF A BEST FRIEND?

GC: K4RK4T YOU ST1LL H4VE L1K3 TWO W33KS L3FT OF THE QU4RT3R

CG: OK, WELL NOT FAILING HIM SO FAR HAS BEEN EXTREAMLY DIFFICULT AND LET’S BE HONEST, IT’S A MIRCLE THAT I CAN DO IT AT ALL AFTER ALL THE SHIT HE’S PUT ME THROUGH.

CG: AND I THINK IT’S FAIR TO SAY THAT YOU OWE ME ONE.

GC: WH4T DO YOU W4NT

GC: JUST PL34S3 DONT 4SK M3 TO CL34R 4 SHOP L1FT1NG CH4RG3 FOR YOU OR SOM3TH1NG

GC: TH4T 1S NOT MY JOB

CG: NO I WANT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION AND HAVE YOU NOT TELL ANYONE THAT I ASKED.

GC: YOU R31L1Z3 YOU COULD JUST DO TH4T 4NYW4Y R1GHT

GC: 4ND 1F YOU 4SK FOR SOM3TH1NG TO B3 CONF1D3NT14L 1M L1TER4LLY L3G4LLY REQU1R3D NOT TO T3LL 4NYONE

CG: TEREZI, I ALREADY HAVE A JOB.

CG: I DON’T HAVE THE TIME TO LEARN ALL THE RULES OF YOUR PROFESSION ON TOP OF THAT.

GC: WH4TS YOUR QU43ST1ON

CG: AM I LEGALLY ALLOWED TO CAVE IN WHEN A STUDENT INSISTS ON BUYING ME LUNCH?

CG: I’M ASKING FOR A FRIEND.

CG: A TEACHER FRIEND.

CG: ALSO NAMED KARKAT.

GC: 1 KNOW TH4T GUY

GC: 1 H4V3 4 P1CTUR3 OF YOU TWO

GC:

CG: THIS WAS IN NO WAY NECESSARY. I AM BEING VERY NICE RIGHT NOW AND HAVE STILL NOT RECIVED AN ANSWER TO MY QUESTION.

CG: I HAVE INSTEAD REVIVED A REMINDED THAT THAT ATROCITY OF A PIECE OF “ART” STILL EXISTS.

GC: GOD YOUR3 NO FUN  

GC: BUT 4NYW4Y YOUR3 4 T4 NOT 4N 4CTU4L T34CH3R

GC: TH3R3S R3STR1CT1ONS AG41ST YOU 4ND D4V3 DO1NG 1T 1N TH3 H4LLW4Y BUT YOU C4N DO WH4T3V3R TH3 FUCK YOU W4NT OUTS1D3 OF SCHOOL GROUNDS

GC: 1F YOU W3R3 TO 3NT3R 4N 1NT1M4T3 R34T1ONSH1P W1TH H1M TH3 COLL3G3 M1GHT H4V3 4 PROBL3M W1TH 1T BUT TH4TS SCHOOL RUL3S 4ND NOT TH3 L4W

GC: 4CTU4LLY 1 DOUBT TH3Y WOULD C4R3 THOUGH B3C4US3 TH3YVE L3T YOU T34CH 4ND GR4D3 CL4SS3S W1THOUT P4Y1NG YOU

GC: BOTH OF THOSE TH1NGS 4R3 V3RY 1LLG4L

CG: OK, WHO I WAS TALKING ABOUT WAS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

CG: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GOING TO MAKE GUESSES ABOUT RANDOM ASPECTS OF MY PERSONAL LIFE NOW?

GC: K4RK4T

GC: D4V3 4OLD M3 H3 TOOK YOU OUT TO LUNCH

CG: OH.

GC: H4V3 YOU HAD S3X W1TH D4V3 1N THE H4LLW4Y

CG: NO. WHAT KIND OF DESPERATE HORMONE-DRIVEN PATHETIC FIVE SWEEP OLD WITH A LEAGUE OF LEGENDS ACCOUNT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?

GC: TH3N YOU H4V3NT DONE 4NYTH1NG 1LL1G4L W1TH D4V3

GC: DO3S TH4T 4NSW3R YOUR QU3ST1ON

CG: YES.

GC: 1S TH4T 4LL YOU W4NT3D TO T4LK 4BOUT

CG: YES.

CG: NO.

CG: TEREZI?

GC: Y3S

CG: YOU’RE

CG: UH

CG: YOU’RE COOL.

GC: OH SO D4V3 TOLD YOU HOW W3 M3T.

CG: YES. DO ME ANOTHER FAVOR AND TAKE THE FACT THAT I SAID THAT TO YOUR FUCKING TWELVE FOOT-UNDER GRAVE.

GC: SUR3

GC: 4ND JUST 4 W4RN1NG

GC: D4V3 1S 4BSOLUT3 SH1T 4T COMMUN1C4T1NG H1S F33L1NGS

CG: WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP MISTAKING ME FOR SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT ANYTHING?

GC: Y43 OK SURE YOU DONT C4R3 4BOUT 4NYTH1NG 4ND 3V3RYTH1NG

GC: 1 JUST THOUGHT TH3R3 W4S A CH4NC3 YOU M1GHT N33D THE 1NFORMA4T1ON

GC: 1N TH3 FUTUR3

CG: NO

GC: IT M1GHT B3 CUT3

CG: STOP.

GC: YOU GUYS F1GHT1NG 4BOUT HOW B4D H3 1S 4T COMMUN1CAT1NG H1S F33L1NGS 4ND HOW YOU CONST4NTLY PUSH P3OPL3 4W4Y

CG: WHY DO YOU DO THIS.

GC: BUT 4T TH3 3ND OF TH3 D4Y YOU 4LW4YS M4K3 UP

GC: 4ND B3COM3 B3TT3R P3OPL3 OV3R T1M3

CG: OH MY GOD ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TRYING TO PLAY MATCHMAKER RIGHT NOW? THAT’S PRETTY SAD. YOU KNOW WHAT, I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT YOU BEING COOL.

GC: L1K3 1D 3V3R FORG3T SOM3TH1NG L1K3 TH4T

GC: OH FUCK 1 H4V3 TO GO

GC: L4T3R

            You feel slightly better as you leave your classroom. You open the door and are met with Dave sitting cross-legged against the wall to you opposite side of you. He’s wearing oversized headphones that he removes upon seeing you.

            “Sup.”

            You briefly consider running away from all your problems and moving to the south so that you could get shot by Dick Chaney but then you realize you would probably miss a few people.

            “Dave, why are you still here?”

            “I’ve decided to continue my streak of being a good Samaritan and offer you a ride home. Mostly because it’s only ten minutes away from where I live. And on the way. And I was hoping it might bribe you into continuing letting me turn all of my work in a day late.”

            “I already give a day grace period on everything. You’ve literally never actually handed in anything late.”

            “Ok, never mind, I guess I really am just that nice. My offer expires in ten seconds.”

            On one hand, the stubborn part of you wants to say no so that you can escape with the remainder of the remainder of your pride. On the other hand, you could save a dollar and Dave is wearing a really tight shirt.  

            “Uuuug. Fine.”

            “Fuckin’ rad. Let’s go.”

            You walk in silence for a few minutes before you have the nerve to say anything about last night.

            “What did Sollux say?” You ask. As long as Dave’s answer isn’t ‘Sollux said he was going to make a facebook post about it and tag everyone’ you were ok.

            “He asked if you were ok and then he thanked me when I told him you were. I think he might have thought it was cute.”

            “That’s really all he said?”

            He shrugs. “He also out of nowhere mentioned that you have a tendency to push people away as he got close to them. I was just kinda like, ‘thanks bro for that information. I’ll write it down in case I ever have a run in with Karlo Ren’.”

            “Karlo what?”

            “It’s a Star War-” He cuts himself off. “Oh never mind.”

            “Thanks.”

            He looks slightly surprised, but it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking with those dumb shades on all the time.

            “For what?

            “I was going to say for buying me food, carrying me home, not making a big deal out of it, and offering me a ride the next day but then I realized that we just broke even.”

            “Fair.” He leads you to his car. “By the way, my car is a Honda. Here, it says it on the back in huge letters that I’m pretty sure your moon-sized eyes are far large enough to see.”

            “Why the fuck are you randomly being condescending for no reason?”

            “I listened to you mumble for ten minutes yesterday about how much you didn’t care what kind of Ford I had. Just letting you know that if you ever feel the need to crash in my car again you might want to get the incoherent mumbling correct.”

            “Can it and drive, Dave.”

            You both get in and he starts the car. You fiddle with the fake steering wheel above your seat.

            “Since when did you start calling me Dave?” He asks. Crap.

“Since you proved yourself useful to me. How did you figure out where I lived yesterday?”

            “Well, I didn’t exactly. I tried getting you to wake up but you were out like a rock under a pile of logs that were also out. But I knew where Sollux lived and that you guys were friends. And then he’s like, ‘why is my roommate dead?’. And I was like ‘oh ok cool he’s your roommate, the more you know’.”

            “Please stop saying ‘like’.”

            “Fine.” He says.

            A question pops into your head. “How are you and Sollux friends?”

            “Yea, it’s weird. But hey, music and math overlap a lot. So one day in Jazz Ed I saw this troll kid jamming on a sax while trying to transcribe mathematical equations into music and then I was like ‘what’s good I’m D-Strider’ and he was like ‘like from Half Life?’ and then he too was added to the Strider awesome-socks list. Why do you ask?”

            “I can’t imagine you seeing anyone who you though was cool enough to be friends with.”

            “Dude, if I could only befriend people who were as cool as me, I wouldn’t have any friends. And friends are cool.”

            “Wow, so much modesty for just one man.”

            He pulls up to your apartment parking lot. “We’re here. Unless you want me to carry you again, I’m gonna peace the fuck out.”

            You get out of his Not-Ford and grumble something that might have sounded like thanks if someone was listening from really far away.

            He gives you a goodbye nod and he’s off. You walk up the two flights of stairs to your apartment.

            You open the door to Sollux aggressively playing tonsil-hockey with Eridan on the couch and at this point you really don’t care about it anymore. You don’t even say anything as you walk past.

            Sollux pauses for a few seconds to inform you that it’s still not Eridan. It’s still less awkward than the time you walked in on him slamming the oven door rhythmically while Aradia played the trombone.

            You draw yourself a bath and set up your laptop on a box next to it so that you can use your computer freely without water accidently dropping it in and probably electrocuting yourself. You should probably get around to messaging Gamzee back.

TC: Ok.

TC: So YoU kNoW hOw TrOlLs In My BlOoD lInE uSeD tO lIkE kIlL aLl ThE lOwBlOoD MoThErFuCkErS oR sOmEtHiNg?

CG: THANKS FOR REMINDING ME. HOW COULD I FORGET?

TC: WeLl YoU kNoW hOw ThE hUmAnS dEvElOpEd A mEtHoD tO hElP uS aNd ThAt’S aWeSoMe?

CG: GAMZEE, THE HUMANS SET UP A SYSTEM WHERE ALL MEMBERS OF YOUR BLOOD LINE WERE REQUIRED TO GET A SHOT OF LIQUID THC UP THE EXCREMENT-SHOOT EVERY TWO DAYS.

TC: Ok WeLl yEa, AwEsOmE rIgHt?

TC: AnYwAy, WhAt If We WeRe SoMeWhErE fOr A rEaLlY lOnG tImE wItH nO mEdIcInAl SuBsTaNcEs AnD tHrOuGh LiKe SoMe CoMbInAtIoN oF tHaT oR lIkE  pOsSeSsIoN oR bEcOmInG mUlTiPlE vErSiOnS oF mYsElF i EnDeD uP kIlLiNg A bUnCh Of PeOpLe AnD tHeN i StArTeD WeArInG a CoD pIeCe Or SoMeThInG aNd ThEn ThE iNtErNeT wOuLd SpEnD sEvEn YeArS aRgUiNg OvEr If It WaS mY fAuLt Or NoT?

CG: GAMZEE.

CG: GAMZEE.

CG: GAMZEE.

TC: YeA? :o)

CG: WHAT THE FUCK.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST MAKE ME READ?

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, ON SECOND THOUGHT PLEASE DON’T ANSWER THAT.

CG: I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. LET’S JUST PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED.

TC: ThAt’S fAiR. AnYtHiNg YoU wAnT tO tAlK aBoUt, KaRbRo?

CG: WELL I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ACTUALLY COMING TO YOU TO ASK THIS. THE ONLY REASON I’M GOING TO ASK YOU IS BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU WILL PROBABLY FORGET WHAT I ASKED ABOUT BEFORE YOU START JUDGING ME.

TC: BrO i IsN’t GoNnA bE jUdGiNg YoU.

CG: HAVE YOU.

CG: UH.

CG: HAVE YOU SEEN A HUMAN NAKED.

CG:  I’M ASKING SPECIFICALLY, NOT IN A WEIRD FUCKED UP WAY.

TC: SuRe! I DrEw A fEw PiCtUrEs. DiD yOu WaNt ThE oNe WiTh ThE tItS oR tHe OtHeR oNe.

CG: THE OTHER ONE. GAMZEE, HUMANS HAVE MALE AND FEMALES LIKE US. THAT’S NOT JUST A TROLL THING.

TC:

TC: I dIdN’T kNoW hOw To DrAw ThE hEaD sO i JuSt UsEd ArIn HaNsOn

CG: I’M GOING TO SKIP RIGHT PAST THE WHAT AND GO TO THE WHY.

TC: WeLl ArIn’S aLl LiKe Yo YoU cAn DrAw PoRn Of Me I dOn’T cArE.

TC: So I wAs LiKe WeLl I dOn’T wAnT tO bE dRaWiN’ aNy MoThErFuCkEr’S nAkEd WhO dIdN’t ApRoVe It.

CG: NO, NOT WHY YOU USED ARIN YOU IDIOT.

CG: MORE LIKE, WHY ALL OF THIS?

CG: I’VE SEEN A NAKED HUMAN TORSO BEFORE AND I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT NIPPLES DON’T LOOK LIKE THAT.

CG: AND I ALREADY KNOW THE BASIC OUTLINE OF THE GENETALIA.

CG: YOU FORGOT THE BELLY BUTTON.

CG: WHY ARE THE SHAME GLOBES ON THE OUTSIDE? THAT WOULD BE SUCH A DESIGN FLAW.

CG: THERE ARE JUST SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH THIS ATROCITY.

CG: THIS IS WORSE THAN AN ORIGINAL SONIC CHARACTER. 

TC: WeLl HeY mAn SoMeTiMeS yOu JuSt GoTtA lOoK aT tHiNgS a LiTtLe AbStAcT.

CG: YOU PHOTOSHOPPED FIVE FORKS ONTO A CROTCH!

CG: AT THIS POINT I THINK SUSPECT YOU ARE BEING ABSERD FOR THE SAKE OF BEING ABSERD SO I AM GOING TO GO, BECAUSE AT THIS POINT I KNOW MY RAGE CANNOT DO ANYTHING. I HAVE FOUND PEACE.

TC: WhY dO fEmAlE tRoLlS hAvE bOoBs?

            There are not a lot of conversations that you wish you didn’t have, but this was probably one of them.

* * *

 

 

            Your next weekend is more entertaining than the last. On Saturday, you walk in on Sollux tearing up over killing someone named ‘Sands’ and you are very confused. After making sure it is indeed a video game character and that you are not rooming with a serial killer, you manage to give him an extremely awkward head pat and then try to immediately erase image of Sollux tearing up from your mind. At least is was about five hundred percent less awkward than watching someone you don’t know randomly burst into tears on a public bus then barf on you while yelling about Jesus.

            You learn during your week that Dave has made it his personal goal to annoy you with rides and satisfying conversation every day and you are eternally ungrateful.

            Now it’s Friday and you have started forming some kind of awkward friendship with Dave. If you’re being honest with yourself, you could say that you would describe most of your friendships as at least slightly awkward.

            You finish up teaching your last class and he leaves. You know that he’s waiting in the hall for you to insist on giving you a ride, just like the last four school days. You recently bought an entire gallon of pizza rolls with the five dollars you saved in bus money. This was more exciting than it sounded.

            But first you had some strictly business related conversations to have. You pull out your phone.

CG: I HAVE A PURELY SCIENTIFIC QUESTION.

TA: ii2 iit what dave look2 liike naked?

CG: WHAT, NO!

CG: I HAVE NO NEED OR DESIRE TO LEARN WHAT A THIRTY-POUND HUMAN LOOKS LIKE NAKED FROM A TWENTY-POUND TROLL.

CG: I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU WOULD REACH THAT CONCLUSION.

TA: yea ok.

TA: gottcha.

TA: yep.

TA: 2o what2 your que2tiion.

CG: WELL, COINCIDENTALLY I WAS WONDERING ABOUT HUMAN ANATOMY.

CG: DON’T TELL ME THAT’S NOT FUCKING REASONABLE.

CG: MY CURIOSITY IS PURELY SCIENTIFIC, ASSHOLE. SO DON’T GET ANY IDEAS.

TA: 2ure. ii got 2omethiing.

TA:

CG: THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS AND UNCALLED FOR!

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, FINE. IF YOU WANT TO PLAY IT IMMATURE, I CAN HANDLE IT MR. I’M-BONING-ERIDAN-AMPORA-AKA-MR-CAPE-DOUCH-SLASH-DIDN’T-DEVELOP-A-MORAL-COMPASS-UNTIL-MY-LATE-TEENS-WHICH-IS-PARTLY-MY-PARENTS-FAULT-BUT-ALSO-KIND-OF-MY-FAULT-BECAUSE-I’M-STILL-GOING-TO-BE-A-LOW-KEY-DICK-FOR-THE-REST-OF-MY-LIFE.

TA: no way kk that2 not eriidan.

CG: YES, I KNOW YOU CAN’T ADMIT IT TO YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU WASTED FOUR SWEEPS COMPLAINING ABOUT HIM.

CG: AND YOU ARE JUST SO ANNOYINGLY ATTACHED TO YOUR BELIEFS.

TA: ii am not attached two my beliief2.

TA: ii keep the relatiionshiip completely profe22iional.

CG: REMEMBER WHEN YOU DUMPED JADE HARLEY JUST BECAUSE YOU FOUND OUT SHE BELIEVED IN WITCHCRAFT?

TA: for the record, that relatiion2hiip la2ted a day and ii wa2 a2leep for the va2t majoriity of iit.

CG: HOW ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU REFUSE TO WATCH ANY MOVIE WITH TIME TRAVEL IF IT CONTRADICS YOUR OWN THEORIES ON THE LOGISTICS OF TIME TRAVEL?

TA: hey, there2 plenty of moviie2 that follow my theory.

TA: termiinartor, termiinator two, termiinator three, uh

CG: WHAT ABOUT THE TIME WHEN FEFERI BROUGHT OVER A BOTTLE OF HAND SANITIZER AND YOU BEAT IT INTO THE GROUND WITH A BASEBALL BAT?

TA: ii wa2 merely demon2tratiing what happend2 two your iimune 2y2tem when you u2e hand 2aniitiizer.

CG: YOU KNOCKED OUT SEVEN SQUIRRLES WITH PSYCHONICS!

TA: tho2e reper2ented the benefiiciial bacteria iin thii2 partiicular educatiional le22on.

CG: THE ONLY OTHER THING I’VE EVER SEEN YOU USE PSYCHONICS FOR IS PUTTING BEES TO SLEEP.

TA: iim 2en2iing a theme here.

CG: OH, AND WHO COULD FORGET THE TIME WHEN YOU BURNED THAT ANTI- EVOLUTION PAMPHLET YOU FOUND AND USED IT TO LIGHT A BLUNT?

TA: and ii would do iit agiian.

CG: A BLUNT THAT YOU ROLLED WITH A PAGE FROM REVELATIONS.

TA: ii will not apologiize for art.

CG: MY FAVORITE PART WAS WHEN YOU STARTED COUGHING UP VITAL ORGANS BECAUSE YOU DON’T ACTUALLY SMOKE.

CG: THAT’S AN IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER WHILE LIGHTING A BLUNT.

TA: actually youre riight.

TA: ii am overly attached two my beliiefs.

TA: what2 your point.

CG: I DON’T REMEMBER.

TA: oh so terezii ii2 haviing 2ome party on 2aturday.

TA: iit2 at a bar.

CG: NO WAY NOPE NO.

TA: 2he told me ii wa2 requiired to make 2ure you came and requiired to make 2ure you drank at lea2t one alcoholiic beverage.

TA: 2he 2aiid 2omethiing liike iif karkat doe2nt lo2en up iim worriied he miight have a heart attack.

CG: YOU KNOW, AS MUCH AS I’D LIKE TO SEE TEREZI DRUNKENLY BUMP INTO WALLS ALL NIGHT AND WATCH YOU PASS OUT AFTER ONE HALF-SHOT, I THINK I’LL PASS.

CG: THERE IS NOTHING EITHER OF YOU FUCKFACES COULD OFFER ME THAT WOULD EVEN MAKE ME CONSIDER GOING TO ANOTHER TERRIBLE COLLEGE PARTY.

TA: 2he2 giiviing you a free tiicket to deadpool iif you go.

CG: FINE I’LL GO.

TA: biingo.

CG: WHO ELSE IS GOING TO THIS ANYWAY?

TA: well, kanaya wont let ro2e 2tep wiithiin twenty feet of a bar, 2o niiether of them are comiing.

TA: gamzee ii2nt commiing becau2e no one liike2 gamzee when he2 cro22-faded.

TA: vrii2ka cant come for about a miiliion re2on2, one beiing that 2he ii2 perma-banned from all bar2.

TA: and ha2 liike four hundred communiity 2urviice hour2.

TA: so just the other twelve people that terezii know2 dont make me name all of them.

CG: WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE UNDER THE AGE OF TWENTY-ONE?

TA: you mean liike dave.

CG: I MEAN, THAT IS AN EXAMPLE. YES, PEOPLE LIKE DAVE, UNDER THE DRINKING AGE. THERE ARE MANY OF THEM. HE IS ONE OF A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE, ANY OF WHO COULD HAVE ALSO BEEN AN EXAMPLE.

TA: hii2 older brother own2 the place, 2hiithead.

TA: he2 got a “let dave and any of hii2 underage friiend2 get hammerd here twice a year a2 long a2 they only do iit here and are adult2" rule.

CG: WOW THANKS! WHAT ABOUT ALL OF OUR OTHER UNDERAGE FRIENDS WHO I ALSO COULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING ASKING ABOUT?!?

TA: terezii briibed dave2 brother iin deadpool tiicket2 to let them iin.

TA: ff even rented the bar 2o we have a decrea2e iin the liikelyhood of 2ome publiic dii2play of debauchery.

CG: TEREZI DOES AN IRONIC AMOUNT OF ILLIGAL THINGS.

CG: WHY DOES SHE HAVE UNLIMITED DEADPOOL TICKETS?

TA: becau2e feferii own2 the theater or 2omethiing at thii2 poiint and everyone owe2 tz a favor.

CG: GOD I FEEL POOR.

TA: anyway, were meetiing them at fiive.

CG: WE’RE GETTING SMASHED AT FIVE PM?

TA: no fiir2t were 2eeiing deadpool.

CG: FUCK.

            You walk out into the hallway to find Dave. You would have come sooner but he preferred it when you were late. He said something about ‘the acoustics of the empty hallway are mad rizzle, for shizzle, yo’. He didn’t actually say that. That was just what you heard when he opened his mouth.

            You kick him in the foot to acquire his attention. He gets up.

             “You know I’ve been meaning to ask.” you say  “Are you shit in all your other classes too or is it just my class?”

            “Just your class, man, I’m getting out of here with at least decent grades. The only class I’ve ever tried less hard in is this geography class I once had in highschool where the teacher made us make colleges of our feelings. I just stapled fifteen pictures of Spiderman’s butt to a paper and that was all the work I did for the quarter.”

            “Charming. Why do you loath my class so much? I’m not a bad teacher.” You’re probably a bad teacher.

            “What, no. You’re a great teacher Socrates doesn’t have shit on you.”

            “Human Socrates once compared human women to hoofbeasts and troll Socrates once compared yellow bloods to talking batteries.”

            “Doesn’t mean he wasn’t a sweet teacher.”

            “Will you shut up and give me a better complement?”

            “Fine.” He escorts you into his car. “When Terezi forced me to take “your” class, I was told you had a ninety-eight percent approval rating. That’s pretty impressive for someone younger than most of the students here and who wasn’t supposed to be teaching in the first place. It’s also a one way trip to the Strider awesome-socks list.”

            As the familiar hum of Dave’s car starts up, you spend a few minutes wondering about the two percent that gave you a disproval rating before realizing he still hadn’t told you why he put such a lack of effort into English.

            “I know that doesn’t answer your question. Maybe I’ll answer it sometime when I’m really smashed and _The Styx_ are playing in the background.

“            "Dave, you’re a fucking weirdo.”

            “That’s fair.”

            You pull down the sunshade to get a look at yourself in the mirror. Dozens of small papers fall out. You examine a few to see that they’re all tiny pictures of Fox Mulder. He glances over and gives the most grossly-charming smile you’ve even seen.

            “I’m not even going to bother asking, because I know that’s just what you want.” you say.

            He continues with his stupid smirk as he rolls into your driveway. You grumble another half-hearted ‘thanks’ before making your way to your apartment, trailing more tiny Mulders.

            You open the door to Sollux just sitting there, alone. This was not what you expected.

            “Sollux, what the fuck. You can’t be doing something weird eight days in a row when I come home and then just stop.”

            “I accidently flooded the entire house with bees so nobody wanted to come over.”

            You immediately run out the door, down the stairs, and directly in front of Dave’s car before he leaves. You are not going to have a repeat of last time.

            Dave rolls his window down. “Jeezus, Karkat, don’t do that. Your face almost became an asphalt sandwich.”

            You’ve finally gotten used to the passenger door being on the right side and you let yourself in. To your horror, you discover a purple bee crawling up your arm. You attempt to kill it, but immediately feel a rush of so much guilt that you get out and free it, hoping it will somehow make its way back to Sollux. You get back in the car.

            “Sorry, Dave. Sollux just started beemagedon in my room and I am not into having my veins flooded with poison.”

            “Where do you want me to take you? Also you’re welcome for like, not accidently ramming you with a two ton metal box.”

            “Somewhere without any hints of tiny bug feet crawling up my arms. Hang on a minute, Sollux is messaging me. This better be fucking good.”

            You hastily check your phone.

TA: 2orry about that.

CG: SOLLUX, IT’S ONLY BECAUSE I AM SUCH A NICE AND OPENMINDED PERSON THAT I AM ABLE TO PUT UP WITH THE HELL-SPAWNS THAT YOU CALL ‘PETS’.

CG: HOWEVER, I CANNOT HANDLE THE HELL-SPAWNS THAT YOU CALL ‘PETS’ WHEN THEY ARE RAMPENT IN OUR HOME.

CG: WHY DIDN’T YOU MESSAGE ME BEFORE?

TA: they took my phone.

TA: and my laptop.

TA: ii ju2t got them back. giive me a five miinute2 ii got thii2 under control.

TA: diid any bee2 come out wiith you?

CG: ONE. SHE’S FLYING IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF OUR APARTMENT.

TA: fuck 2hiit 2uck my bulge.

TA: ok, ii actually need about an hour.

CG: WHY? THAT BEE CAN FIND HER OWN WAY HOME. I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING BEES.

TA: well iim not actually,

TA: um,

TA: allowed to have bee2 iin the hou2e.

CG: WHAT!?

TA: becua2e there2 an extreamly 2mall chance they miight joiin another hiive and then manage to mate and then overthrow the entiire eco2y2tem of north ameriica and then 2ollux wiill not be able two have bee2 anymore or liive iin thii2 country.

CG: HAVE I MENTIONED THAT YOU’RE A COLLOSSAL BULGE-LICKING IDIOT RECENTLY?

TA: ye2.

CG: GOOD. I’LL BE BACK IN AN HOUR. YOU BETTER BE DONE.

TA: more liike bee done.

CG: FUCK YOU.

            You swat at Dave’s face which has been reading over your shoulder for the last five minutes.

            He leans back in his chair. “So, an hour. Any place you had in mind? Actually, I already know where we should go.”

            “Wow, the amount of say I had in this was simply overwhelming. Fine.”

 

* * *

 

            Despite your protests, Dave insists on buying you teriyaki. You finish it while he drives around a seemingly roundabout way for about ten minutes. He pulls over in an ocean overlook that resembled your idea of where serial killers took their prey. He leans his chair back and edges you to do the same.

            “I still don’t get why you’re making me do this.” you say

            He grabs a few pillows from his back seat and positions them between your seats.

            “Dude, put your arm rests down.” he says.

            “Why?”

            “Furthers the illusion of comfort.” He pushes them down and lays back.

            You follow suit. You are now staring absent-mindedly at the roof of Dave’s car.

“Dave, why does your roof have so many holes that look suspiciously like they were left by bullets?”

            “Oh yea, I forgot to open it.” He kicks a lever and the sunroof pops open. It’s not really sunset yet, but with the help of the reflective water below you, the entire car is flooded with oranges and purples and blues. You can hear the lapping of the ocean waves and a few early cricket chirps of the evening. It’s all breathtakingly gorgeous.

            “Dave, what the fuck is this breathtakingly awful shit? Why are we here? Are we seriously just supposed to stare at beauty of nature until we become vegans?”

            “Dude, chill for once. Or don’t. I will respect your decision.”

            _Paradise by the Dashboard Light_ starts playing. Dave kicks at another lever until it stops.

            “Sorry about that.” He says. The tape ejects and lands neatly in your lap. It has ‘Sollux’ written on the side. Dave looks over.

            “Oh, that’s for Sollux.”

            “How many mix-tapes have you made for people?

            He shrugs. “Everyone who rides in here often gets one. Can you put it in that box over there?”

            You slip the tape into a slot in the box over the dashboard. There other slots read Aradia, Rose, John, Terezi, and Time.

            “Who the fuck is Time?

            “Oh, no one. That’s in case I ever get sent to a different time with only my wit and good looks to get me back to the twenty first century.”

            You examine the tape. It has strictly time related hits, featuring; _Back in Time_ , _Too Much Time on My Hands_ , _Get it Right the First Time_ , _Time Warp_ , and of course, _Power of Love_. Dave is a trash human being.

 For the first time since you’ve met him, he takes off his shades and places them on the dashboard. You’re kind of curious as to what his eyes look like but he’s not facing towards you.

            “Dave?”

            “Yes?” not he’s turning towards you. You can’t make out the color of his eyes, but you can make out the shape of his face and the shadows that his eyelashes cast on his cheek bones.

            To your horror, you are suddenly filled with a desire to kiss him. You could totally do it. You could just move over six inches and do it. It would be easy. At least, your mildly intrusive thoughts said it could be easy. You blame your wanting to kiss Dave on intrusive thoughts.

            “What is it, Bromeo?” he asks again. You had forgotten that you had indeed started to ask him a question. You need to think of something quick because you are about twenty seconds away from running out and finding a cardboard box to flip the fuck out in.

            “If you had to choose a Republican candidate to win the next election, who would it be?” Nice save, Karkat.

            “Nixon.”

            “I mean out of the ones who are running, dumbass.”

            “Chris Christy. Why though? Modern politics are boring. Tell me about ancient Alternian politics.”

            You shake your head. “Extreme Social Darwinism that kind of worked in theory but was eventually the downfall of our entire planet. Why do you think my ancestors left that shithole?”

            He puts his arms behind his head and gazes forward. “I guess. Never expected to hear that from you.”

            “Why not?”

            “You’re the only troll I’ve ever heard who actually uses ‘sweeps’ as a unit of time.”

            “I can be proud of my heritage and still see it for the classist shit-stain it was. Well, a combination of that and that feeling of that mean girl in seventh grade that you really want to like you even though you know that she hates dirty mutant blood and thinks you should die and then she turns your best friend into a sentient battery.”

            “Bro, that’s messed up. But yea, I get it. Someone who you really want to like you even though you know they treat you like shit.”

            You shut your eyes. You’re not really sure why you’re telling him this. You curse yourself for feeling your feelings and informing others of them in a healthy, constructive way.

            He starts running his word-thrower again. “When I said ‘someone’ I meant ‘something’. Forget I said that.”

            “God, you’re fucking clique as shit. Don’t worry, I’m not going to force you to tell me.” You repress your growing desire to completely ignore all social no-nos and curl up next to Dave.

            You continue. “Besides, it’s not like I don’t think human culture is a pile of shit most of the time. But anyway, the more time my species spends here, the more we become like humans. I mean, that’s great in some ways. Without an official hierarchy, we’ve been starting to learn just how many things we thought were biological were actually just social constructs. We have more freedom for professions. Our lifespans are starting to even out. But, it’s really easy to lose my sense of self sometimes.”

            “You know, I’m glad you guys came.” he says, surprising you.

            “What?”

            “More advanced medical science, more advanced architecture, more advanced robotics. Seriously, we helped so many people with your people’s technology. Bro, biotic limbs are almost free. Deaf people can make full recovers now. And let’s be honest, having another species living next to us is a good way to get people to learn to be more open-minded, even if it’s by force. Learning by force is sometimes the best kind of learning.”

            He sighs and lays his open palms to rest on the cushion above his head. You realize that he’s almost completely lacking the edge he usually carries with him. You feel a strange combination of relaxed and vulnerable.

            “Dave?”

            “What’s up?’

            “Not that I care or anything, but am I on the Strider awesome-socks list?”

            He grins again. “Let’s see. You’re a troll, which already means you have to deal with everyday shit from obnoxious humans wanting to deport you guys to the moon. Your own species sometimes gives you shit for having red blood. And despite that, you still put up with Sollux and his bees just because you’re his friend. You put up with Terezi’s mild apathy. Sollux told me that you even put up with Eridan since middle school, shit Karkat, I don’t know anyone else who could do that ten years ago.  Not to mention that I’m pretty sure you’re just about the most caring person I’ve ever met. And on top of all that, you teach a damn good English class with some damn insightful rants. So yea, dude, you ripped the Strider-awesome-socks list to fucking shreds.”

            You feel something warm travel over your body. Dumb emotions, making you feel things. You are pleased to hear that at least one person listens to your rants.

             “Wow Dave, guess I’m supposed to thank you or something. That was so sweet that all of my teeth hurt.”

            God, you can’t remember the last time you wanted to kiss someone this badly. Maybe it’s the fact that you can’t recall the last time someone who wasn’t Kanaya was that nice to you. Maybe it’s because he looks gorgeous at this angle. Maybe it’s because you are just that starved for physical affection. It couldn’t be that you had grown to like his personality and his company, that would be ridiculous. There was no way you would ever develop feelings for someone who wore both sunglasses and heelys indoors

            You’re ripped from your thoughts as rain starts to drizzle through the sunroof. Dave quickly kicks the lever and you are returned to being boxed in.

            “Damn Seattle bullshit!” Dave yells at the sky “I’m trying to have a fucking heart to heart with a bro.”

            He sighs again and turns towards you. “Well, what do you want to do now?”

            You suppress all the ideas being given to you by your thank pan and shut your mouth so you don’t say something as stupid as ‘you’. 

            Thankfully, your moment is further interrupted by Sollux rapidly texting you.

TA: 2o iive been done for liike twenty minutes where the fuck are you?

TA: you better not be doing what ii thiink youre doiing.

TA: iin ca2e iit2 not clear ii was heaviily iimplyiing that you and dave are late becau2e you are currently wrapped-up iin naked-related actiiviite2 of a 2exual manor.

TA: liike 2ex.

TA: wa2 thii2 clear?

CG: YOU KNOW THAT I KNOW YOU UNDERSTAND SOCIAL CUSTOMS AND THAT YOU JUST PRETEND TO NOT FOR THE SOUL PURPOSE OF BEING A SNARKY ASS-BAG.

TA: ouch. hurt2 becau2e iit2 true.

TA: anyway get home.

TA: 2ome guy who2 not eriidan left us niice food on our door.

TA: from thriiftway.

CG: LIKE THRIFTWAY THRIFTWAY?

TA: thiirftway thriitway

            Dave drives you home. On your way out the car, he gives you a slip of paper with his facebook name on it, ‘half-baked jazzcore 420 #daveyfresh’. Dave is a trash can of a human being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I am so, so, so, so, sorry you had to see that terrible thing my friend and I made in ms paint. Please forgive me. Gravity Falls ended and this was the product of my sadness. Also, I actually did use Arin Hanson’s face because he said he was ok with people drawing porn of him. This probably doesn’t count as porn though. 
> 
> AN again: I’m not sure if Thriftway outside of my state. In case you don’t know, Thriftway is this really high end grocery store that is not actually thrifty at all. One time I tried to get a job there and they kind of fucked me over so I’m not sure why I’m selling out to them for nothing.  
> ………fanfiction not sponsored by Thriftway


	6. not a chapter don't sue me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See notes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: This isn’t actually a chapter. You can read this if you *really* want to, but I think it would probably be boring/things you already know about. This is Sollux’s lesson on gender that all of my friends that read it died of boredom. The only reason I left it in was because I worked somewhat hard on it. If you actually want to learn about gender, try the internet. I know the science behind it but that doesn’t mean I’m super up to date. Well, I guess I can just blame it on Sollux being an alien.

(AN: pls don't sue me also don't read this chapter everyone who read it died of boredom also it doesn't have that much to do with the story)

 

 

CG: SO GIANT ASSHOLE.

CG: YOU KNOW HOW YOU LOVE LORDING OVER EVERYONE HOW SMART YOU ARE? HOW YOU’RE SO ANALYTICAL YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS LIKE THE REST OF US POOR SOULS?

TA: for the record, acciidently overanalyziing my feeliing2 and lo2iing them ii2 not a2 much of a party a2 iit 2ound2 liike.

TA: what do you want to learn about?

CG: SOME DUMB HUMAN CONCEPT CALLED GENDER.

TA: ok

TA: you know how we have male2 and female2?

CG: OH GEE WIZ I NEVER NOTICED.

TA: well, anyway, you miight not know thii2 but the troll female and male brain are actually sliightly diifferent.

CG: OK ACTUALLY I DIDN’T KNOW THAT.

TA: the differnce2 are very minor, wiith male2 haviing sliightly better spaciial iintellegence and female2 haviing better verbal and emotiion iintellegnce.

CG: SO SINCE HUMAN WOMEN SEEM TO BE MUCH MORE DIFFERENT THAN HUMAN MEN THAN TROLL WOMEN ARE FROM TROLL MEN, WE CAN CONCLUDE THAT THEY HAVE MUCH MORE DIFFERENCE BRAINS THAN EACH OTHER?

CG: DID I DO IT?

TA: acctally human female2 and male2 al2o have almo2t iidentiical braiin2.

CG: NO.

TA: ye2.

CG: THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THEM ACTING SO DIFFERENT?

TA: human 2ociiety teache2 male2 two act one way and female2 two act another. Iit 2uck2 for everyone, e2peciially the women.

TA: gender roles.

CG: CAN I EAT THEM?

TA: no. iit2 a 2ociial con2truct. the clo2e2t thiing we have to gender role2 ii2 more ju2t 2terotype2 between different blood group2.

CG: WHY IS IT HARDER FOR THE FEMALES?

TA: well, male2 have to deal with a pre22ure to be overtly masculine. but female2 have even more to deal wiith, everthiing from over2exualiizatiion to expectiing to not speak theiir miind2 to even gettiing paiid sliightly le22 for the 2ame job.

CG: SO ON TOP OF NORMAL HUMAN RACISM, HUMAN’S ALSO HAVE FEMALE RACISM?

TA: 2ure, call iit that.

CG: WOW I KNEW WE WERE BETTER THAN THEM BUT I NEVER KNEW IT WAS BY *THAT* MUCH.

CG: BY THAT MUCH I MEAN 'NOT AT ALL' PLEASE DON'T TELL JOHN I SAID THAT.

CG: BUT WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH GENDERS?

TA: ok.

TA: 2o for the mo2t part, people of the male 2ex feel like men and people of the female 2ex feel like women.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DOES “FEELING LIKE A MAN” MEAN?

TA: ii dont know liike fiindiing jesus or 2omethiing ii dont fuckiing care.

TA: ii ju2t 2tudy thii2 2hiit.

TA: anyway, 2ometiime2 female2 dont feel liike women or male2 dont feel liike men.

TA: thii2 ii2 where gender come2 iin.

TA: a per2on2 2ex miight be male, but gender female.

TA: look at thii2 graph.

TA:

CG: WHY DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW HOW THIS GRAPH WORKS?

CG: WHAT DO ALL THESE BOXES MEAN?

CG: WHAT THE FUCK SOLLUX?

CG: WHY DID YOU TYPE THIS NORMALLY?

TA: ii only type liike thii2 when iim me22agiing people.

TA: ii cant really program thiing2 wiith a typiing quirk 2eriiou2ly no computer read2 that 2hiit.

TA: anyway iignore the fluiidiity axii2 for now.

CG: I’M IGNORING A LOT OF EMOTIONS RIGHT NOW JUST SO I CAN CONTINUE WITH THIS SHIT STORM OF A LESSON.

TA: look at the fiir2t two boxe2 iin the bottom axii2.

CG: OK. DO THEY STAND FOR TRANS FEMALE AND CIS FEMALE?

TA: ye2.

CG: WHAT ARE TRANS AND CIS FEMALES?

TA: cii2 ii2 when you are biiologiically a female and iidentiify as the female gender, tran2 female ii2 when your biiologiical 2ex ii2 male but you iidentiify a2 the female gender.

CG: I THOUGHT YOU SAID FEMALE AND MALES WHERE SEXES, NOT GENDERS.

TA: they are. however, there arent really any good word2 that dii2criibe the female or male gender the doe2nt exclude a certaiin age group. 2o untiill ii fiind a new one iim goiing to keep sayiing that.

CG: WHY ISN’T THERE A BETTER WORD?

TA: mo2t of the world doe2nt aknowlage iit.

CG: WHY?

TA: um

TA: gender racii2m

CG: WOW HUMANS SUCK.

TA: you cant alway2 blaiime the iinduviidual2, mo2t people dont even get the educatiion of what gender2 are.

CG: WOW HUMAN EDUCATION SUCKS.

CG: WHAT ARE THOSE GENDERS IN THE MIDDLE?

TA: the iinbetween gender2. people who are both 2iide2 of the gender 2pectrum.

CG: WHAT IS GENDER CAUSED BY?

TA: sociial con2truct2 combiined wiith sliight neurologiical diifference2.

TA: god talkiing about sociial construct2 thii2 much make2 me feel really preten2iiou2.

CG: WHAT’S THE ONE WITH ITS OWN LINE IN THE CORNER?

TA: lack of gender.

TA: that2 what we are. or are we androgynou2 ii cant really tell.

TA: the la2t thiing i2 how much gender fluxuate2. 2ome people are completely gender fluiid and swiitch almost every day.

TA: let me show you how thiis graph works. let2 2ay my 2ex ii2 male, and ii u22ally feel liike a male, except 2ometime2 ii feel almo2t female but not quite.

TA: keep iin miind there2 liike thirty gendended2 and diifferent name2 mean diifferent thiing2 to diifferent people ect ect.

TA:

CG: ONE TIME I THREW UP ON A SHEET OF GRAPH PAPER AND IT MADE MORE SENSE THAN THIS.

CG: IS THAT FUCKING MICROSOFT PAINT?

TA: ok actually that doe2 look terriible. 

TA:

CG: OK I CAN ALMOST PRETEND THIS MAKES SENSE.

TA: good enough

TA: ii gotta go iil 2ee you when ii get home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't sue me


	7. The One With The Fruit Sticker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: alternatively titled “motherfucking Jessie Esenburg Facebook movie bullshit”  
> ….also there’s drinking in this chapter don’t do that too much please don’t sue me be careful

            It’s Saturday morning. You have approximately six hours before your friends force you to go see Deadpool and then get shitfaced. You waste your time continuing to get way too invested in your Mass Effect 2 romantic side-quest with Garrus.

            You eventually decide to go on Facebook, something that you stupidly do at least every other day, despite the rage it induced in your soul. You’re just going to friend Dave and get out.

            You friend Dave and totally don’t spend twenty minutes sifting through his photos and feeling like a creep. In a few, Dave is pictured with a very attractive person whose sex you can’t specify. They look a lot like Dave, maybe about five years older. However, dumb pointy shades kind of ruin it for you.

            Eventually you get off his pictures and onto his main page.

            All he posts are some comics of poorly drawn people with nonsensical words. You click on a link to his source site. It’s some comic series made by him and his older brother called _Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff_. You definitely don’t spend an hour on the site laughing your ass off and almost buying a t-shirt even though you don’t have the money.

            You’re about to exit out like you promised when you discover that your own brother has posted an annoying amount of status updates. Sollux and Aradia had made it their life goals to disprove or at least question any and all things your brother had posts on Facebook. They had just pointed out that he really didn’t need to put a trigger warning for misogyny when the article he posted was called ‘misogyny’ and that despite not being a perfect person, Hillary Clinton did not actually punch Beyoncé in the face and also “goddamn iit kankrii youre the reason why we have iinfiightiing kankri what the actual fuck”. 

            You are about to witness one hell of a Facebook fight.

            Wait no, your brother just swiftly deleted their comments.

            You hear furious typing from the other room. A few minutes later, all of Karkri’s Facebook statuses turn into pictures of Michael Cera. You log out of Facebook.

 

* * *

 

            You’re about to get ready to go when Kanaya messages you.

GA: So I Am Aware That You Are Going Drinking Tonight

GA: Im Pleased To Hear That Feferi Rented Out An Entire Bar

GA: That Sounds Slightly Safer Than Letting You And Your Friends Run Rampant With Strangers

GA: Just Please Be Careful

CG: KANAYA, I GET DRUNK ONCE A YEAR. I THINK I CAN HANDLE THIS.

CG: BESIDES, HAVEN’T YOU ALREADY TIED DOWN THE ONLY ONE OF OUR FRIENDS WITH A DRINKING PROBLEM?

CG: Yes

CG: Rose Has Not Had Trouble In Quite Some Time

CG: It Was Her Idea Not To Go And I Am Proud Of Her For That

CG: WELL, THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN. IT DOESN’T MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A LOSER AT ALL.

CG: So What Are You Going To Wear?

CG: I’M LEANING TOWARDS CLOTHES.

CG: Humor Me

CG: FINE. I WILL CAVE IN TO YOUR PATHETIC INTERESTS BY INFORMING YOU THAT I WAS PLANNING ON WEARING BLACK PANTS.

CG: AND A BLACK SHIRT.

CG: SHOES? ALSO BLACK.

CG: UNDERWEAR? TAKE A WILD GUESS.

CG: Fine. I admit It Was A Long Shot

CG: I Do Hope That You At Least Dress In An Attire Slightly Nicer Than Usual

CG: UHHHHHHH

CG: *FINE*

            You put on your only pair of black skinny jeans that weren’t riddled with holes. They had been a gift from your brother and you hadn’t worn them this long out of some form of spite. You hate how comfortable they are and how good they look. You even put on your nicest shirt, a short-sleeved black dress with a crab pattern that you had to stop Eridan from throwing out in his ‘wear it a day, throw it away’ faze.

            “You look nice.” Sollux says as he attempts to pull off the fruit sticker he somehow managed to get stuck to one of his horns.

            You spend the next five minutes trying to figure out if he’s being sarcastic before realizing that he’s facing away from you and can’t actually see you.

            “Congratulations, Sollux. You’ve finally managed to reach your ‘genuine complement quota’ for the year. So glad I could be a part of it.”

            “Wow, thanks for noticing, KK. I’m legitimately honored.”

            You gasp. “Wow! That’s two! Con-fucking-gradulations again, you’ve really outdone yourself this year.”

            Sollux surprised you by giving you an actual hug. “You look fine. Let’s go.”

            “Save it for when you're drunk, Sol.” You follow him out the door. Something about your horns feels slightly off balance. You reach up and discover that Sollux had managed to place the fruit sticker on your left horn while hugging you. You stick it to Sollux’s butt when he’s not looking.

            “Did you feed the cats?” asks Sollux.

            “Yes, I fed the fucking cats. Let’s go before I change my mind.

 

 

* * *

 

            You enjoyed Deadpool. You totally didn’t notice that Dave wasn’t there or message him to find out that he had to miss if because he was ‘pre-recording a mad set for tonight, jazz cat’. He had also mentioned something about Terezi already taking him to see it seven times.

            Now you were jammed into Eridan’s car with Terezi, John, Nepeta, and Equius. Sollux and Eridan seemed to be going out of their way’s to not be seen together in public. John and Terezi have forced you to sit in the middle of them to compensate for their weird relationship. You spend the entire car ride in resting bitch face. You prefer busses to carpooling, but at least Eridan’s car smells nice.

            Five minutes later and you’re wedged between two people in one booth again, this time Sollux and Terezi. You weren’t really one for bars, but this was pretty nice for a brink building that was meant to contain drunk idiots. Maybe it was just because there were only 12 of you currently here and you knew all of them.

            Dave is currently decked over at some booth that says ‘all hail the DJ or get the FUCK OUT’ which you think means he’s setting up his prerecorded set. He hits a button and what you thought was going to be the nightclub equivalent of a YouTube poop is actually a pretty good remix of a _Sublime_ song. He heads your way and sits at the opposing booth to you and your currently sober friends.

            He shakes Terezi’s hand and then yours. “What’s up ladies, I’m Dave and I’m an assaholic.”

            Terezi looks confused. “I’m the only female here. You do know that, right?”

            “He’s insulting us by calling us women.” says Sollux.

            Terezi continues to look confused. “I don’t get why it’s an insult.”

            Dave cringes. “It’s not. Fuck. I just meant that all three of you are so beautiful that I mistook you for women.”

            You can almost see the question marks floating inside Terezi’s think-pan. You’re pretty sure that Dave is talking about one of those gender things.

            “Oh god, I’m just making this worse.” He grasps your right wrist lightly. “Karkat, can you help me get drinks and shit before the Kool-Aid man is forced to burst through the wall just to make things slightly less awkward?”

            You move around Sollux and out of the booth.

            “Why do I have to help you?” you ask, realizing that Dave’s hand on your wrist is the first time you’ve actually managed to make physical contact with Dave. Wait no, he did carry you home at one point. You force yourself to stop thinking weird thoughts.

            “Because Terezi is blind and I’m worried that touching alcohol will make Sollux die.”

            He takes you to the actual bar part of the bar. The gorgeous person with the pointy shades from Dave’s Facebook is behind the counter and you get a better look at them. They look a lot like Dave, with an even thinner face and body, almost under-fed but not quite the level of skinny where it looked worrisome. They have a curve, but not much of a chest and you still cannot tell what sex they are. Perhaps this was one of those people with a different gender than their sex that Sollux had told you about, and they were dressing to hide the exact shape of their body. Either way, they are extremely attractive and you feel creepy for being so observant.

            “That’s my older brother.” says Dave.

            You realize you have been staring open mouthed for about a minute straight. You try to respond but your mouth isn’t working correctly.

            “Yea, he tends to have that effect on people. At least you’re not literally drooling.”

            You force your mouth to work again. “Wait, so your brother? But, uh,”

            “Dude, it’s ok. Did Sollux ever teach you about trans-gendered people?”

            “People who have an opposing ginger to their sex, right?”

            “Yes. Dirk is a dude. He didn’t go for a full surgery or hormone therapy because he’s personally comfortable like this as long as people still respect it.”

            You don’t really understand what any of that means but don’t have a problem respecting him. You don’t really respect the anime shades though.

            “Bro, get me seven TSs and three appletinis.” Dave says to Dirk.

            “What’s a ‘TS’?” you ask.

            “Troll shot.” Dirk says. “Slightly different formula then normal shots I serve, should be easier on your innards.”

            “Wait, make that six shots and one third.” you say quickly.

            He looks confused. “A third of a shot? What kind of lightweight are you?”

            “It’s not for him.” says Dave. “Case twenty-two is here.”

            “Oh god.” Dirk pulls out a shot glass and fills it almost all the way with tap water.

            “Who the fuck is case twenty-two?” you ask.

            “Your best friend.” says Dave.

            “Fucker came in here six months ago, tried to start some kind of shot contest with that girl in red over there, got one down and then passed out on my floor for eighteen hours.” He hands Dave a tray with six shots and three appletinis. The diluted shot is marked with black pen.

            You go back to your table to see Dirk studing you and writing something down on a pad of paper.

            “What’s he doing?” you ask Dave.

            “He writes down a description of everyone who comes in here. If he sees you more than three times a week and getting tanked every time you go in, he kicks you out.” he answers.

            “How the fuck is he making money?”

            “Well, there are usually a good number of people in here. But probably partly from selling tee-shirts for our webcomic, and selling pictures of his feet on the side.”

            Thirty minutes and two shots later, you’re smiling. You’re having a bit of a problem keeping all of your teeth in your mouth. Sollux had given up a long time ago, his third-of-a shot getting him on the ‘ready to start taking my pants off’ level of drunk. Terezi stabs a cheese cube through his left canine.

            Terezi has been telling Dave dark tales of old Alternian politics. Dave looks strangely sad.

            “I have a question” says Dave. “Is it bad to say I’m glad you guys are here and not on your planet? Well, I guess your planet did blow up. Is that insensitive?” You notice that the alcohol is bringing out a tad of a southern drawl.

            “Not really.” you say “Sometimes it’s all lower bloods talk about.”

            “I mean, really, you guys are my best friends. I don’t want to think about that shit happening to you. Fuck, I’m drunk.”

            “Knew I smelled someone sensitive in there.” says Terezi.

            Dave crawls up on the table and falls into all three of your laps. “This is my goddamn home now.” He wraps his arms around all of you while Terezi and Sollux giggle. His butt is currently about six inches away from your face. You look away.

            Sollux pulls out a small pill and hands it to you. You examine it for a second before you feel your face getting hot.

            “No hard drugs in my bar.” Dirk says through a megaphone from thirty feet away. That man had eyes like a hawk.

            “It’s not hard drugs.” Sollux shouts in Dirk’s general direction “It’s a twenty-four hour genetic-material suppressor pill in case one of us gets laid tonight.”

            You blush harder and elbow Sollux in the ribs.

            “Oh sorry.” Sollux yells again “It’s for me because I was planning on rubbing one out in like ten minutes. Nothing gets me hornier than listening to remixed _Aerosmith_ with drunk people.”

            You sigh and hate that you’re smiling. You feel something in your lap shake and realize that it’s Dave laughing his butt off. You quickly down the pill with your last shot just to shut Sollux up. Terezi cackles at you.

            “Oh, shut it.” you say.

            Dave falls on the floor. “I never got why you guys used those pills. Eight Shamwows stalked on top of each other would have the same result.” He pulls himself back over to his original seating arrangement.

            You get up and sit next to him. You take the remainder of his last appletini from his hand. “No more for you, Dave.”

            You’re about to give it to Aradia or Terezi when Sollux clears his throat. “Let me finish it.”

            You swear then entire room gets quite. Aradia comes over to watch and you think you see Eridan looking mildly concerned out of the corner of your eye. The only noise to be heard is Terezi talking to the napkin dispenser, probably thinking it’s you. She’s slurring about how hot Aradia is and wondering if it makes her a chubby chaser. Now she’s apologizing to all chubby people for over-sexualizing them.

            “Sollux, are you sure you want to do this?”

            He takes his glasses off and sets them on the table, exposing his herterocromia dramatically. You hear a collective gasp.

            You poor the contents of the almost-empty appletini into a shot glass. It fills up almost half the container. You carefully place it in front of Sollux. You watch with wide eyes as Sollux lists it to his mouth.

            He falls over before he’s finished with it. A collective sigh and people going back to their previous conversations is followed by a laughing Aradia making sure he’s ok. She sits down next to Terezi and props him up on her shoulder to keep him from falling off the table. Terezi stops talking to the napkin dispenser.

            “Man, I feel bad that Rose isn’t here. She loves _The Who_.” says Dave. You realize that the funkitized drum solo-driven song you’re currently listening to is a remix of _Pinball Wizard_.”

            “I’m sure she’s having enough fun with Kanaya.”

            “Yea, I guess. I just always feel bad when my sister isn’t here to hear stuff I actually tried at. Usually all I send her are kazoo covers.” He giggles to himself.

            “Wait, Rose is your sister?” you ask.

            “Yea. I thought you would know that.”

            “But her skin is so much darker than yours.”

            “We’re half siblings. Her mother was Indian. My mother was very white.”

            Aradia looks up from her conversation with a very drunk Terezi.

            “Oh yea, you guys have different skin colors instead of different blood colors.” she says.

            Sollux slumps up from drooling on Aradia’s shoulder. He grumbles something that kind of sounds like words.

            Aradia translates for him. “He says that different ethnicities of humans have different levels of melanin, different hair textures, and slightly different common facial features. What human ethnicity do I look like?”

            Dave winces. “Oh god, no. This is somehow going to end up really racist and that is not on the Strider to-do list.” he says as John and Jade walk by.

            They stop and turn towards him. “Who’s about to be racist?” asks John.

            “Dave. I want to know what human ethnicity I look like.” says Aradia.

            “Well Dave, as your friends and POCs” John starts.

            “We will dictate whether said behavior is indeed racist.” finishes Jade.

            John sits down on one site of Dave, right on top of your lap. Jade attempts to flip over across the table to his other side. She falls down a lot.

            “Ok Dave, go.” John says.

            “Fine. I’ll fucking do it. Just because I was provoked.” Dave squints at Aradia. “I would say Japanese. I hope I’m right, because otherwise you would be one hell of a weaboo. Is that racist?”

            “Yes” says John and Jade together.

            "Now do Karkat.” Jade says.

            “No, don’t do Karkat.” You feel yourself grinning.

            He does Karkat. “I would say, Israeli. Is that racist?”

            “Yes.”

            Sollux’s head hits the table as he passes out for about the eight time. Dave lifts his face up for a better look.

            “OK, let’s say Korean.”

            “Isn’t there some kind of stereotype about Asians and being good at math?” you ask John.

            “Yes. Today we learned that Dave is a racist.”

            Dave laughs. “No way, I judged purely off of his facial features. The fact that Sollux is good at math had nothing to do with my final decision.” 

            Sollux grumbles another incoherent comment. Aradia translates again.

            “He says it’s cause he’s good at math.”

            “Jade, is it because he’s good at math?” asks John.

            “Yes John, it’s because he’s good at math.”

            “Well, Jade, is Dave a racist?”

            “Yes John, Dave is a racist.”

            “Say Jade, do you have a pen”

            Jade nobs and hands john a black felt tip pen from her purse. John reaches towards Dave’s shirt.

            “No way, man, not on the shirt.”  Dave says.

            John responds but pulling Dave’s shirt off over his head. His sunglasses get tangled up in the process. They land near you. You reach over and put them in your bag for later blackmail.

            John quickly scrawls ‘Dav is a rasicst.’ on Dave’s chest.

            Eridan and Feferi come over the join the shit show.

            “What were you guys talking about?” A pair of swimming goggles and hanging from her right horn.

            “How racist Dave is. What about you?” slurs John.

            “We were having a contest with people for who had had worst first date story.”

            “One time someone set me on a blind date with John by mistake.” Jade says. John nods and everyone cringes.

            “She told me she only liked me for memes. She didn’t even ask my name.” says Dave as he pulls his shirt back on. Everyone cringes again.

 You’re pretty sure you can win this. “She tried to get me to sign me up for her pyramid scheme.” Que crowd cringe.

            “Ok, I got this.” says Eridan “I took him out to a five star dinner. Half way through it, he took his wine glass to the bathroom to fill it up with tap water, and then mentioned that he was aromantic and only there for the food.” Ok, nevermind. That is way worse than yours.

            Sollux looks up. “Wait, that was supposed to be a date?” He falls over again. Aradia sighs and props his head up on her shoulder again.

 

* * *

 

            You’ve stopped drinking after four shots. Aradia and Terezi have left to go dance terribly and you are once again stuck talking to Dave and a completely passed out Sollux. You definitely did not just start uncontrollably hiccupping.

            “No, it’s not your Facebook that I’m mad about. Your _(hic)_ Facebook is fine. It’s my fucking dumbass older brother’s shit. He’s been _(hic)_ posting a bunch of shit about his eternal love for Bernie Sanders, which I really _(hic)_ wouldn’t care about but he’s also been trashing Hillary Clinton and posting _(hic)_ about a bunch of things that she didn’t actually do just because he saw them somewhere _(hic)_ on the internet and for him that must mean it’s true, it’s like shut the fuck up you fucking bulgelicking asshole shitbag, I _(hic)_ don’t love Hillary either but your reckless idiocy is just promoting _(hic)_ infighting and if any of the republicans win I’m fucking blaming that ass-raging bulge-face.”

            He laughs. “Yea, you’re right. I can’t argue with that.”

            “Plus, John will not stop posting about Adam Sandler, it’s so fucking annoying. He posted a Chuck Norris Adam Sandler meme the other day. It’s _(hic)_ 2016 you fuuuuck.”

            “Dude, no cluckin’ way. You can’t hate Adam Sandler. He’s one of the only trolls to make romantic comedies about human romance.”

            “Adam Sandler is an insult to my people. And a terrible representation of any kind of romance.”

            “No way man, every Adam Sandler movie ever is simply the best depiction of human romance. It has two people, stuff happens, they kiss, and then it ends. Now explain troll romance a little better to me.” he says.

            “Oh don’t make me do this. I don’t want to think about this right now.” you lay your head back and close your eyes.

            “You don’t even want to evaluate the kinds of relationships our friends have?”

            Of course you do. You want to meddle until you drop. “Fine. Give me a pair.”

            “Sollux and Aradia.”

            “Too easy. Exceptionally sturdy moirallegiance. Next.”

            “Um, Rose and Kanaya.”

            “Too easy again. Steady matespritship at first glance, but you can’t enter any relationship with Kanaya without getting some level of moirallegiance.”

            He laughs. “Fine, I’ll give you a hard one. Sollux and Eridan.”

            You think for a few seconds. “Well, I wouldn’t say truly black, but not red either. More like a long-term rivalry built of mutual respect and a lot of sexual tension. I think they care about each other but Sollux isn’t capable of the same feelings that Eridan is when it comes to romance. Whatever. They seem happy.”

            He surprised you by putting his arm around you. At his level of drunkenness, you really shouldn’t be surprised. You ignore the way your idiot vascular cavity just sped up. He brushes his fingers over your shoulder.

            “Ok, John and Terezi.”

            You groan. “Fucking weird as shit. Look, there are black relationships were they hate and annoy each other into hate fucking. There are black relationships where they don’t like each other at all but respect each other so goddamn much that it just happened. I have no fucking idea what John and Terezi are and I don’t really want to think about anything for too long that involves the two biggest rejections of my life.”

            “You too, huh.” he says.

            “Which one?” you ask.

            “Both.” He pauses for a few seconds. “John when I was younger. He told me he wasn’t a homo-“

            You cut in. “Yes I know.”

            “Dude, if it’s painful, you don’t have to talk about it.”

            You look away. “Oh, it isn’t painful. I’m over both of them. It’s just embarrassing as fuck to think about.”

            “Yea I feel you there, bromeo. Although, I went on one whole date with Terezi. She broke it off because she realized I was only interested in monogamy. It worked out for the better. Now we have a kickass friendship.”

            “Interspecies dating. That’s always a fun one.”

            He giggles to himself again. Dirk brings you a few glasses of water, which you figure to avoid tomorrow’s hang over. Not that you’ve really gotten that drunk.

             “So, have you ever, like, uh,” he kind of says.

            You look away. “Slept with a human? No. I’m not fucking six Dave, you can say sex.”

            “Dude I’m fucking drunk what do you want from me. It’s hard.”

            “No it’s not. Say Dave, have you ever stuck your genitalia in an alien?”

            “Yea.” he smiles to himself.

            “Why do I feel like there’s a really terrible story here?”

            “About two years ago I asked Sollux what troll genitalia looked like and he said, word for word, ‘do you want to fuck me for science’.”

            “And your elaborate and linguistic response?”

            He leans all the way back. “Dude, I was seventeen. My answer was something along the lines of ‘lol okei can I stick my dick in you now’.”

            You laugh. You’re starting to understand the phrase ‘beer goggles’.

            “And how did it go?” you ask.

            “I mean, the whole time I was kinda just like ‘whoa man I’m banging an alien that’s hot’.” He giggles again. “Would have probably been better if he didn’t take notes during the entire thing.”

            “Oh he did not.”

            “Yes he did.”

            “So, did you learn anything?”

            He thinks for a few seconds. “Yea. Different kinds of orgasms. He said it’s easier to have a bulge orgasm or some shit. Is that right?”

            “For the most part. It’s harder with the nook, but if you work at it you can often chalk up multiple orgasms with that one.”

            “Didn’t learn that one. Never seen someone trying to write while orgasming before. Anyway, after finishing once he just-“

            “Passed out?” you finish.

            “Dude, how did you know? You have to tell me after I told you about that.”

            You’re briefly distracted by the fact that Dave’s pre-recorded set just managed to go from the end of _Sargent Pepper_ to the beginning of _Mr. Roboto_ without sounding like utter garbage before you remember he asked you a question.

            “I came home one day feeling especially unattractive.” Why are you telling him this story? You curse alcohol for making you talk about a somewhat vulnerable point in your life to someone you trust. Although, if you’re being honest, you’ve told Dave plenty when you were sober.

            He sighs. “Why does every attractive person I know think they're unattractive? Actually everyone I know thinks there unattractive. Anyway, continue.”

            You do continue. “He said ‘look man, if you want I can like, get it up as long as we don’t make it weird.”

            “How did it go?”

            “Puns were made. 2012 memes were quoted. It was the exact opposite of passionate. But it did weirdly make me feel better.”

            He laughs. You give in, resting you head on his shoulder. When he runs a hand through your hair, you have to hold back a pleasantly surprised purr.

            “Dude, I can’t believe we both did the do with Sollux. That’s fucking uncanny.” He reaches forward and pokes Sollux’s body. “Bro, is it ok if I make an announcement about your sex life?” No response.

            “Hey, has anyone here not slept with Sollux?” Dave yells. Eridan raises his hand.

            You realize that _Mr. Roboto_ is a _Styx_ song.

            “Dave, remember that one deal you made me?”

            “The one where I said I would sell you pot and then sold you a bag of yard clippings and you never found out? Was that you? I don’t think that was you.”

            “No you bulge-raging dumbass, the time you said you would tell me why you are so terrible in my class as soon as you were hammered and _The Styxs_ were playing in the background.”

            “That does sound like something I would say. Alright.” You feel fingers grip your chin as he turns your head carefully. You realize that this is the first time you’ve seen him without sunglasses on in a place that actually had good lighting.

            Oh. His eyes were red, which you should probably be more surprised about, but right now you were more preoccupied with the laugh lines in the corners of his eyes over the course of one giggled filled night. Despite your new found disability to focus on things, they pop out right at you. He’s still smiling like an idiot and you feel your vascular cavity slam angrily against your chest.

            He gestures to your face. “This is why I suck in your class.”

            “Dave, don’t fucking insult my face.”

            “No I mean, not in a bad way. Just, this.” He continues gesturing to your face.

            He gestures to the rest of you. “Also, admittedly, sometimes this. But don’t worry, the main event is still the words that come out of here.” He lays a thumb on the corner of your mouth.

            You are very confused. “I don’t understand. Should I be insulted right now?” You feel like sober you could have gotten this mind puzzle.

            He rubs his temple and sighs. “Oh my god, dude. I’m trying to do the exact opposite of insulting you.” He traces his fingers over your check bones.

            You feel your cheeks growing red, and move to hide your head behind your arms on the table, suddenly ashamed by your blood. You don’t know why are suddenly ashamed, you haven’t felt like this for a while. Maybe it was just something instinctual.

            “Hey, it’s ok. I can go away if you want.” An irrational part of you wonders why he’s being so nice to you.

            “That’s not really a yes or a no. Did I do something wrong?”

            “I’m sorry.” you say, not really sure why.

            “Bro. You really didn’t do anything wrong.”

            You flop over, resting your head in his lap and in something your human friends referred to as ‘the fetal position’. He continues to run a hand through your hair and you have no idea why you are tearing up right now. You are the strangest blend of confused and sad and happy and your chest feels like it’s going to burst. At some point you fall into the most relaxing sleep you’ve had in a long time.


	8. not a chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See chapter notes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so when I decided to write the bar seen, I wanted to remember what it was like to be drunk. I don't get drunk very often because I am not twenty one yet (pls don't sue me) and I'm scared that drinking more than twice a year will lead me into a downwards spiral and then I'll die. Anyway, I got drunk with a friend (only get drunk with people you trust pls don't sue me) and decided that I should start writing. I had already thought of the "Dave is a racist" scene and kind of mapped it out in my head. I think that is wheat I am trying to write here.

“ how does race ddiffer from clkass?” askes Trrxi? “wELL PEOPLE FGROM DIFRENT PLACES HAVE DIFFERNT SKIN COLOR OR SOMET Q “wELL DAVE EWXPLAUIN DIFERNT FACE FACE like feturs” “Karkat ur hot fuvk mwe nowb.” 1Sloluuxx ur an asia are you is yhat racist\ ium da boos4res gtiu,loian andweerdaoon isa hot one3 tyimw I tyhink I ha sex with nash grier” “ dave eat my bone bulge plsx{“” thatsn what htuier cvqnonly refe3d to man my bf is a dumbas.dave stuvks divck ointslde uo7u] oh it feel go:” One time ZI fukced sllus and he prginsims when he not supposed to cause he was writing things down.” +``21q Kqarkat 8s jrweis is that tracisytt.” “yes john” ur gayl9ol “damai ur a dcoole dunk isd friunk nnlooobs Jnedakkkk craNE UIS A DUMBAS RAR RARA \KARIKAT HAS SEXY HICUPS UDAVE UR RACISTY” SAID JON CAYUSE HE AWASNT A WHIES no whiter headcanon as aohilopenat” Dave I want dick inside m e. its liker normal dick lengenth I dunoo im a troll lol.Z”-` virska suucks even 5thought rtro;; curlturree haapee she onl y o elike thsat eruudwan neeed redemtiln arc maybe.” I mean tro.l y bf said im perrry Dave ur sexy oh my god so hot dstick dick in me oone time I fucked sollus “ Dispite typosw I think this good strory.” ui wARNING: I DO NOT CODEM THE USAGE OF ALCYHAN I ONLY USE EHNR AROUNF PEROSON I CAN TRAUST DON'T DO DRUNK ALONE OR WITH UNTERUSDTWORTHY NT FUN.” why all happy' on/'t throug p am man sex is bad im ok eoth thst but I think I vould do brttrt “stick it ni;g rim ,y pppk ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZBring you sddoew\wn sould

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drink resposably pls don't sue me


	9. The One With Sex And Kittens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I didn’t come up with the Kanaya mother joke in this chapter, that is a reference to a popular post that I can’t seem to find. I wish I could have thought of it myself, but alas no. Also, there’s like porn in the chapter don’t read it it sucks.

            You awake in your pile with something on your face. You push it away, realizing that it’s Sollux’s butt and that it still has the fruit sticker from last night stuck to it. You have a very faint memory of being carried home again, but by Aradia this time. Apparently she just dumped both of you into your pile.

            Last night was fuzzy. You remember Terezi talking to the napkin dispenser and walking in on her and Aradia making out in the bathroom. You remember Sollux passing out after consuming two kind-of shots. You remember feeling pleased when Dave listened to your rants. You remember his eyes. You remember curling up into his lap and a few tears rolling down your cheeks. You remember Nepeta managing to get Tavros’ horn stuck in the wall. This memory does not fit well with the other ones.

            You roll all the way out of your pile and pick up your phone. Eridan has sent you a photo.

            It’s a photo of Aradia, Eridan, Feferi, and a passed out Sollux. They all have GameCube controllers in their hands. The picture has the caption ‘We finally beat him at Smash Brothers!’. You close your phone.

            After setting it up to charge, you take a shower. You can’t remember if Dave actually had hit on you or if you had just imagined that.

            You pull on some new clothes and brush your teeth. You look surprisingly refreshed, and after checking the time you find you slept until four pm. You are grateful that Dave’s hot brother saved you from the god-awful hangover you probably would have gotten without him.

            You decide on taking a well-deserved walk. You grab your headphones and dump a glass of cold water on Sollux’s head before leaving.

            You spend about three hours on a bench overlooking a small creek, grading papers and reading one of the terrible werewolf romance novels Dave bribed you with a few weeks ago.

            You realize how much you hoped that Dave had been hitting on you. You also realize why you had suddenly become ashamed, some very deep part of you that was ashamed of your own blood, expecting no one to truly care for you because of it, despite your friends proving it wrong time and time again. You tell it to go fuck its self.

            After throwing a couple of rocks into the water while dramatically listening to _Journey_ , you get an invite to join a conversation with turntechGodhead, twinArmageddons, and grimAuxiliatrix.

TG: yes

TA: no.

TG: yes

TA: no.

GA: I Do Not Understand My Required Position In This Conversation

TG: i need you to screen shot the following conversation that happens and send it to rose

TG: at least when sollux finally gives in to the funky beat of destiny

CG: I Will Refrain From Commenting On Your Relationship With Your Sister

CG: But That Still Hasnt Convinced Me That This Isnt Foolish

TG: its the fucking definition of foolish

TG: if you do it ill eat at least two meals a day everyday this week

TG: Despite The Slippery Slope That Bribing Me With Taking Basic Care Of Yourself Might Lead To I Will Oblige

TG: yes

TG: ok sollux go

TA: no

(just entered)CG: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE AND WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ME?

TG: sollux wont have a rap battle with me please convince him otherwise

TG: A Bold Choice In Allies For This Battle

CG: THANKS MOM.

TA: ...

CG: WHAT?

TG: bromeo you just called kanaya your mom

CG: NO I DIDN’T. I SAID “THANKS KAN.”.

TA: kk iif you 2croll up liike two iinche2 you can clearly 2ee you typed mom.

CG: Karkat Do You See Me As A Mother Figure

CG: NO FUCKING WAY. IF ANYTHING I SEE YOU AS A MEDDLER FIGURE BECAUSE YOU’RE ALWAYS MEDDLING IN MY BUISNESS!

TG: dude show your mother some respect

CG: I AM NOT HELPING YOU CONVINCE SOLLUX TO DO SOME DUMB RAP BATTLE WITH YOU.

TA: you know what iill do iit for the 2ole purpo2e of annoyiing kk.

TA: oh yea, iim 2ollux gettiing all the “hoe2” and 2ucce22.

TA: well not today.

TA: 2ome day maybe.

TA: probably not.

TA: iill eiither be 2ucce22ful or ii wont, the2e are my only two choiice2.

TA: iim gonna make that iinto an equatiion iim rappiin yea

TA: ~2 v 2

TA: iin thii2 equatiion the two2 2tand for 2ucce22, yall

TA: that funky squiigle iinfront of the fiir2t 2 ii2 a negation, oh yea baby iit mean2 not.

TA: 2o thii2 whole thiing mean2 ii wiill eiither experiience 2ucce22 or ii wont a22hole2.

TA: oh hey that2 a tautology.

TA: rap end.

TG: i have no idea what any of that meant

TG: dude tavros is better than you

CG: THAT WAS THE WORST RAP I HAVE EVER SCENE.

CG: I Can Concur

CG: That Was The Worst Rap Anyone Has Ever Scene

(just left)TA: 01110011 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01100001 01110011 01110011

TG: oh fuck hes gone

TG: well I have no motivation to do this anymore

TG: nevermind kanaya i dont need you to screen shot anything

(just left)CG: Please Eat Anyway

CG: WHY IS IT ALWAYS LEFT TO YOU AND ME.

TG: its happened twice

CG: FAIR POINT. THAT IS STILL TWICE TOO MANY.

TG: your words penetrate my skin like motherfucking penicillin shots of sadness

TG: i actually wanted to ask you something

CG: WHAT?

TG: do you have my shades

TG: not that i cant handle life without them

TG: i mean i dont even have a fucking hangover right now how lucky am i

CG: YEA, I FORGOT TO GIVE THEM BACK TO YOU YESTERDAY. THEY’RE AT MY HOUSE. DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST GIVE THEM BACK TO YOU ON MONDAY?

TG: if its ok i could just come and pick them up

CG: I GUESS.

(just left)TG: ill be there in about ten minutes

            You quickly make your way back to your house. You pass Sollux on your way through your front door. He’s looking significantly less passed out and informs you that he’s not leaving to go spend the night with Eridan on some fancy boat and that he won’t not be home for dinner, probably. He will see you tomorrow morning.

            You grab Dave’s shades from your bag, grateful that they hadn’t gotten smashed the night before.

            You hear a clash of thunder as it immediately starts pouring rain outside. It took you about seven minutes to get home, giving you approximately three minutes before Dave comes up. You mess around on your laptop for a while, feeling strangely nervous. You tell yourself that Dave probably doesn’t remember your mild breakdown last night.

            A knock brings you quickly to your feet. You open the door to a shadesless Dave. You were too drunk to notice the pattern of freckles he had over the brim of his nose. It was terribly endearing. The second thing you notice is that he’s soaking wet, despite probably being in the rain for only about a minute. Damn Seattle bullshit.

            “Hey.” he says. You silently hand him his glasses, which he immediately puts on. Your brain is pushing you to make conversation but your mouth isn’t listening.

            He looks around a bit. “You know, I’ve seen your apartment before but it’s always easy to forget that you guys sleep in piles of garbage.”

            He is making conversation with you. You need to make conversation back.

             “Well, I guess I’ll see you on Monday.” He says, ready to leave. You need to say something, anything, so he doesn’t leave.

            “See you then.” you say, shutting the door on his way out. You imminently sink to the floor, resting your head on the door. You’re ready to start repeatedly banging your head into your front door when you feel a light tapping against the back of your head, like someone is quietly knocking. Or, like someone on the other side is doing what you were about to start doing.

            You quickly open the door and Dave’s head hits the floor.

            “Sup.” he says. You help him to his feet.

            “What the fuck are you still doing here? If you wanted to come over you could have just asked.” you say, silently questioning why he was doing what he was just doing.

            “What am I still doing here? Oh, I was just standing outside your front door, trying to think of some dumb excuse to come back inside in the hopes that I would get a chance to kiss you.”

            You open and close your mouth a couple times.

            He reaches forwards, and you feel fingers under your chin. He tilts your head so that you’re looking at his face.

            “May I?” he asks. You say nothing, but hope that you are conveying enough of a yes to him with your eyes.

            Apparently it was enough because now he’s kissing you. Your eyes slide shut as you feel the softness of his lips and the thumping in your chest. He pulls away and you are left, once again staring at him with a probably awestruck expression on your face.

            You decide that if you don’t kiss him again right now, you are going to die an old man filled with regret. You lunge forward, grabbing the sides of his face. One of his hands traces around your waist, while the other is carding through your hair as he runs his tongue over your bottom lip. You open your mouth, not really caring about the slight differences in your kissing styles because you feel so damn happy about this entire situation.

            You suck at his bottom lip, careful not to bite him to hard. He lets out a shallow breath and you find yourself being pushed against your front door. He slips a few fingers under your shirt and it’s embarrassing how ok with it you are.

            You press him tighter against you. He hooks his arms underneath your legs and lifts you off the ground with your back to the door. You wrap your knees around him and you let your arms rest against his neck. His hands are under your shirt, rubbing circles on your back and pushing up your chest and you can’t remember the last time you felt like this. He tastes like apple cider and he smells like the inside of his car.

            He breaks the kiss. “Is this ok?” he says, pushing up on your shirt. You nod as he lifts it over your head. You take his shades off, tossing them carefully on your couch. You lay a palm on his ass and classily as possible as he plants open-mouthed kisses on the crook of your neck and down your collar bone.

            You pull his own wet shirt over his head, and are faced with his naked torso. You admire the outline of muscle, and even more so the splash of freckles across his collar bone. His chest has a few scars that you figure you shouldn't ask about now. This is the easy part, you’ve seen the top half of a human a million times. It looks mostly the same as yours, but with a lack of grub scars, a belly button, nipples, and a thin trail of hair down the stomach. You push back your mild fear about the bottom half and kiss him passionately again, your hands on his shoulders and his hair. He breaks the kiss again to go in for your lips on the left side this time, slowing it down slightly. He slows to a stop and glances down at your crotch, the movement in your jeans obviously apparent as your bulge unsheathes.

            “May I?” he asks again.

            “As much as I appreciate you asking, if you don’t touch me in two fucking seconds I’m going to-“ you let out a squeak of surprise as he places his open palm against your crotch.

            “What do you want me to focus on?”

            You place his hand a little lower and bury your face into his shoulder as he traces your nook through your jeans with his fingertips.

            “Is there a mattress anywhere in your house?” he says as he nips at your ear. The implications of that run a shiver up your spine.

            “The couch pulls out into a bed.” He lets you down and you set up the futon careful to first set his glasses on the end-table. You’re slightly shaky and distracted by the fact that your bulge is squirming noticeably through your two layers of clothing.

            Dave sits down next to you, pushing on your chest to guide you backwards. You lay down, kicking your shoes off as he crawls on top of you. His right knee is between your legs and his arms are resting above your head as he kisses and sucks at your lips. You slip a hand underneath the fabric of his pants, slightly annoyed that he wears such tight jeans. You moan as he bites down at your neck and you feel him grin. Now he’s kissing down your grub scars and unhooking the buttons of your pants, and you lift your hips off the mattress so he can pull them all the way off. He scoots down, sucking and biting farther down your stomach as he guides your legs over his shoulders.

            “Can I try something?” he asks, resting his chin right above your bulge.

            You realize the distance between your nook and his mouth is very little at this point and have a sneaking suspicion of what he’s getting at.

            You shudder as he pulls your underwear aside, slightly intimidated by the fact that no one has ever done this to you before.

            He pauses. “I don’t have to do this if you’re not comfortable with it.”

            “I’m plenty comfortable with it.” you say as you close your legs instinctually.

            “It’s ok if you’re not.”

            You reopen your legs just to prove how ok with it you are. He kisses up your thighs and you immediately close your legs again.

            “Dude.”

            You let out a shaky breath. “It’s fine, I’m just, you know,”

            “Yes?” he runs a hand through your hair again, succeeding in making you relax a little.

            “What if I taste bad?” you say, refusing to look in his general direction.

            “Well, I can tell you that you smell fine. Is that a gross thing to say? Probably.” he gives up trying to tease your thighs and just shoves his head between your legs, his tongue sliding into your nook.

            You feel your breathing become high and ragged. You haven’t felt anything like it before. It’s weird and kind of gross if you think about it but you really don’t care at this point because you feel so good. It even somehow manages to feel intimate. You tug at the ends of Dave’s hair, partly out of need, partly out of pure affection. You have to admit you love the way he looks between your thighs. You slap away your bulge before it can wind itself through Dave’s hair.

            He slips a finger in with his tongue. You feel a slight drop in your stomach. You realize that without clawed nails, he doesn’t have to just rely on his knuckles like trolls do.

            “Holy fuck, Dave, this isn’t fair. You aren’t allowed to be this good at things.” He answers you by slipping another finger in with the first, speeding up slightly as he continues to lap at your nook with his tongue. Every breath you make becomes a shaky moan, and he lets out a low-pitched noise, sending vibrations down to your toes. You realize that he’s getting off to you getting off, and that’s the fucking cutest shit you’ve seen all week.

            After a few minutes of this, you feel yourself starting to institutionally grind against his face. You’re getting close to finishing and despite being capable of multiple orgasms; you’re not sure how you feel about coming in his face twenty-five minutes after your first kiss. You shimmy away.

            “Fuck, I was enjoying that.” he says, disappointed and lips covered in a red tint. You are suddenly very glad that you took a genetic-material suppressor pill last night, just in case things continue this way.

            You wipe his mouth away on the back of your hand.

            “I want to try that thing in me.” you say, pointing at the outline stationary bulge in his pants. You are linguistically gifted.

            “Did you forget what a dick was called?” he says. You did forget what a dick was called.

            “No. Fuck you.”

            He pulls your underwear all the way down and mutters what sounds like a lewd comment about your thighs. You help him get off his pants and you can see the outline of whatever he’s packing more clearly. It doesn’t look that different than your bulge, about six inches long and the same general shape. However, it doesn’t seem to have a pointed tip and still isn’t moving at all.

            He notices you staring. “Hey, if you want, you don’t have to see anything.” You bury your face into his shoulder again as he pulls down his own underwear and slides on a latex protector. You are thankful that he can read between the lines, and will question why he came prepared with protection later.

            He pushes the tip of his stationary bulge against your nook, grabbing himself with his hand to guide his way into you. He slides into you slowly, letting you adjust to the feeling of having an alien organ inside of you. If you weren’t as horny as you were right now, you would probably find this whole situation disgusting.

            He kisses up the side of your neck as he starts to move his hips. He does it at a slightly different angle than you’re used to, instead of just flicking a bulge inside of you. You really couldn’t care less though, because he just hit that spot.

            “Goddamn, you are tight. Personality wise and on my cock.” he moans, adding a little bit of speed as you wrap your legs around his back. You grasp the back of his neck, tongue and teeth flickering into his mouth and against his lips as he continues to thrust into that spot that makes your breath hitch. You hate how you’re already so close, Dave’s stupid mouth on your nook almost punching you over the edge a few minutes ago.

            Warmth is pooling low in your stomach. You feel so good, so impossibly good and more intimate than you’ve ever felt with anyone. Your moans become ragged as you hug him as tightly as you can, biting down on his shoulder to muffle the cursing and frequent uttering of his name. He notices, and speeds up. On a particularly hard thrust, you lose it and come hard, leaving a mark on his shoulder that you will apologize for later.

            He props himself up on his hands, still inside you, giving you a minute to rest. You open your eyes.

            He’s smiling like a jackass. “So, do you want to come again?” he asks. You nod and he starts moving his hips again.

            “Wait.” you say. He stops immediately. “What about you? You let me finish.”

            He shakes it off. “Don’t worry about it. You don’t owe me anything. Trust me man, I’ve kinda been thinking about that for a while.”

            “How long of a while?”

            “When did you first say the word ‘bullshit’ in my presence?”

            You roll your eyes. Even if you don’t owe him anything, you want to do something for him anyway. Admittedly, you don’t think you’re ready to put your mouth anywhere near his stationary bulge yet, so you do the only thing you know how to do.

            You guide him to roll over onto his back. At this point, it is no longer a possibility to keep not avoiding looking at what he has down there.

            It’s not as scary as you though it would be. It’s basically a less colorful, less pointy bulge. The tip is a slightly strange shape, but you slide yourself down on it without proper time to make a full evaluation.

            You spend a few minutes experimenting with a few different positions, most of which Dave seems to enjoy. You finally settle on propping yourself up with your hands, lowering yourself about a foot away from his face, and sliding up and down his dick. It doesn’t feel quite as nice as it did on your back, but you are very pleased with the look of bliss on his face.

            “Shit Karkat. Have I mentioned lately that I really like you? Well I really like you. Also you’re fucking hot. Just a-“ You give a particular hard thrust, forcing him to moan instead of rambling. Sensing you’re doing something right, you continue your current speed. His breathing is ragged and high pitched and low pitched and you love it. Whoever told you not to have sex before the third date could go fuck themself.

             You squeak as he grabs your butt, pushing you forward as you face-plant into his shoulder. He’s doing all most of the work now, going the fastest he’s gone yet. All you can really do is hold on. You feel yourself nearing that point again.

            “Holy fuck, Karkat I’m actually gonna-“ He flips you onto your back again, pounding you mercifully into the mattress. You wrap your legs around his sides and hold on as tight as you can, purring loudly as you once feel a seed of warmth growing in your stomach. It’s so good, fuck, sex isn’t supposed to be this good the first time.

            You give in, coming hard on his dick once more, pleasure surging through your body. He’s not far off, babbling about something nonsensical as he goes over the edge.

            He’s making gorgeous sounds, louder than he’s been all night. You feel him twitch inside you as he mutters your name and a few other words you can’t quite make out.

            He rolls his hips a few more times, slowing down before collapsing right on top of you. It’s only now that you realize he’s shaking.

            It's his turn to bury his face in your shoulder. You run a hand through his hair as he finds his breath. You feel your bulge return to underneath your bone flap.

            “Well fuck.” he says, like the loser he is.

            “Ow.” you reply like a winner.

            “Shit, sorry, did I hurt you?” he pulls out of you and lays down on your right side.

            “You bruised my hips. But don’t worry about it.” you curl up onto his chest and are relived to feel him wrap you tightly in his arms. Not that you were worried he was just going to ‘hit it and quit it’.

            “You forgot what a dick was called.” he says as he kisses the tops of one of your horns.

            “Oh shut up.”

            “Dude, how do you live for twenty two years with another, almost identical species on your planet and not know what their genitalia is called?”

            “Shut up Dave you don’t know my life.” You roll of his chest and curl up under a spare blanket.

            He runs a hand down your side. “So small.”

            You throw the sheet off and are about to make some speech about how you were only a few inches shorter than Napoleon Bonaparte when your two dumb cats wander to the side of the bed. A lone black paw places itself a few inches from Dave on his side of the bed.

            “Oh my god Karkat, why didn’t you tell me you had cats?”

            “You’re not allergic or something, are you?”

            “No.” He says as one of your cats hops onto the bed and curls up on his bare chest, steeling your spot. “They’re just so fucking cute. What’s this one’s name?”

            You answer honestly. “Her name is Asshole.”

            Your other tries to join his sister on the bed, but misjudges the length of the jump and rams his head into the side of the bed. Dave sets Asshole BB8 Lombardi IV down and helps your other, bigger and dumber cat onto the bed. You totally don’t mentally memorize what his naked butt looks like as he rolls over.

            “What’s this one’s name?” he asks, hugging him tightly. Your cats don’t usually let anyone but you, Sollux, and Aradia pick them up.

            “That one is Shithead.” you say as Dave proceeds to roll around on the bed with your cats.

            “They’re so fluffy!” he says, grinning like an idiot as Captain Shithead Majora Gaylord licks your face. "They're like smaller, yous!"

            “Oh shush. Anyway, I really should feed them.” you get up, very aware that Dave is burning a hole through your ass. As soon as your purrbeasts see you pulling out their food, they rush towards you like the fucking freeloaders they are.

            “Dude, without your bulge you look like a Ken doll.”

            “Fuck you, Dave. Internal genetalia is the best thing since sliced bread.”

            “True. Never did get used to the hairless thing on you guys, though. Also, I learned that you have to pee sitting down so I win.”

            You return to your spot on Dave’s chest and he tosses the blanket over you both.

            “Why do you even have this bed if you prefer to sleep in a pile of trashy romance novels and papers?” He rubs the base of your horns with a finger and you let out a purr.

            “Sollux and I sleep over here sometimes when it gets too cold.” You shudder to remember Christmas break. You go back to purring.

            “Can I call you ‘kitten’?” he asks.

            “No.”

            “Please?”

            “No.”

            “Just in private.”

            “Fine.”

            He rolls off the latex protector and you get the first actually good look at his dick.

            “Oh my god, the shame globes really are on the outside. Gamzee was right.”

            “Hey, not my first choice. I had a great idea that instead of balls, we could have a hole that shot out fire whenever we got scared.”

            “Dave, that, uh, that’s really stupid.”

            “Fair. Where’s your trash can, kitten?” he says with the exact definition of a shit-eating grin on his face. You point him towards your trash can.

            He returns to under the blanket. “OK, so I think this should automatically give me an ‘A’ for every assignment I turn in for the rest of the quarter.”

            You cover your face with your hand. “Oh fuck, I’m your teacher. Wow, I feel dirty.”

            He removes your hand to kiss you again. It’s lazier, slower than the R-rated aggressive making-out that was happening earlier. You feel him smile.

            “Bromeo, you don’t have to feel gross. I already talked to Terezi, we didn’t do anything illegal and you’re not old enough for it to be bad.”

            “Why were you talking to Terezi about this?”

            “Who else was I supposed to talk to? John? He knows nothing about our judicial system other than he thinks taking the recites out of stores is breaking the law.”

            “Alright, I guess that makes me feel better. But that sex was only worth a ‘C’.”

            He flops back down and you return to your spot on his chest. “Well, I guess I’ll have to up my game next time then.” he says. Your chest jumps a little at ‘next time’.

            You close your eyes. You’re safe and warm and everything feels fuzzy.

            “And you’re about to pass out again. Do you want me to stay?”

            You don’t give a verbal answer; you just wrap an arm around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I can’t believe that I managed to write porn. I am now known as the smut peddler by my friends. One of them was sending me Shia “Just Do It” gifs while I was writing this for motivation.
> 
> Also I wasn't sure if to put what Sollux said in binary in his typing quirk or not. I decided not to because I doubt anyone can really code with a typing quirk.


	10. The One Where It Ends

            You awake to someone shaking you. You open an eye, worried that you had imagined all of last night.

            It’s Sollux, not Dave. Dave isn’t anywhere near you. Maybe you did imagine last night. Wait no, you’re very naked and not in your pile. Disappointment seeps through you and you feel your ears droop down.

            “I’m being nice and waking you up so you’re not late to go teach. Yes, I saw him on his way out. He left a note. I didn’t read it. I’m lying. I totally read it. People lie, KK.”

            You face-plant into the bed. “Why did you read it?”

            “Honestly, I was pretty sure this wasn’t the case, but there was a small chance it was just some really shitty excuse, so I was gonna chase him down and be mad or something. But no, turns out he actually just did have to go and wanted to let you sleep and was not actually just a shitty person who had hid it from the world for several years.” He passes you the note and leaves you alone.

            You read it even though the ending has already been spoiled for you.

 

            _Hey kitten, really sorry I had to go. When I’m with you, it’s easy to forget that I actually have other classes that I need to get too. I’m glad you’re finally catching up on sleep. Anyway, I “accidently” took your shirt this morning instead of mine, purely as an excuse to see you again outside of class._

_Also you swear a lot in your sleep and told me that I was a dumbass. That’s really fucking cute._

            Your phone buzzes and you smile.

TG: whoa man I accidently picked up your shirt this morning

TG: how stupid of me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: So I'm also thinking about adding an epolog and maybe Sollux's gender lession. Although I just reilized I don't know how to spell epolog and spell check is not helping me


	11. The One Where It's An Epologe Also I Can't Spell Epologe

            It’s four years later and you’re still happy. Sure, you guys fight sometimes because he’s terrible at communicating his feelings and you always push people away whenever they get close to you but you always make up and learn to be better people. You’re still teaching English, except now you’re getting paid. Thankfully, Dave never, ever took another one of your classes again.

            Dave had somehow ended up as a backup singer in the remake of _Little Shop of Horrors_ and is still a DJ for his brother’s bar. He had started working as a social worker, and was often disgusted by the amount of corruption there was in Child Protective services.

            Terezi had been an actual lawyer for all of one day before she realized how much she hated the fact that just because someone was paying her to fight for them, it didn’t mean they were innocent. She ended up quitting and getting a spot in the judicial branch of the American Government. She still often teams up with Dave to battle corruption and spends nights with Feferi and Aradia, making plans to overthrow Wall Street.

            Feferi and Eridan (with more than enough push from Sollux) had combined their finances to set up a steady program to make education more affordable for as many children as possible. Sollux was finally proud enough of Eridan to make out with him in public, which would have been great if it hadn’t been on the floor of Rose and Kanaya’s wedding.

            Dave had finally asked you to marry him, which you graciously said ‘no’ to. You had promised yourself after watching your parent’s divorce that you weren’t going to marry someone until you had known them for at least two and a half sweeps. So you had gotten engaged to be engaged.

            One day after he had caught you reading his “epitome of all things terrible also I hate you” comic Dave had given you a free _Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff_ tee-shirt, causing you to finally, finally admit that you were in love with him. He denies that he cried. You sometimes wear it underneath another shirt when you’re in public.

            It’s easy to say that over the last four years, you totally haven’t laughed once.


End file.
